What happens when we are so down in the depths that we can’t even see our way out? I know I’ve been there and I can imagine you may have been there too. I was constantly looking for ways to snap myself out of that place – and over time, I realized that having several things in my “toolkit” really helped.

As I built my toolkit, I went to many seminars and retreats – always seeking answers. And while I learned a lot of great techniques — every time, I kept coming back to the same thing – that I have to seek the answers from inside myself. And yet, what was so challenging about that was the fact that I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t trust much of anything, but most of all, I didn’t trust myself. For me, it was this – plus the belief that I was not loveable – that needed to be healed most of all.

Trust – My Core Issue
The trust part seemed to be at the core of my issues though – because if I trusted myself, I might be able to embrace the idea that I’m loveable. Without that trust, I questioned every thought I had. I remember asking everyone’s opinion before I did anything big in my life – because I was constantly second-guessing myself.

Not trusting myself meant I didn’t even set many boundaries – so I often put everyone and everything before myself. It meant I didn’t have confidence. It meant I often stifled what I really wanted to say, until I was sure I had nothing to say at all. Even though I did very well in the corporate world, rising quickly to higher levels, there was a part of me that questioned if I really had anything of value to offer. All of this stemmed from a lack of trust.

I remember reading a book in my college years about learning to trust food. But what good would it do to learn to trust food – if I didn’t even trust myself? At the time, I didn’t even realize what was at the root cause of my problems. I was walking around as an adult, responsible for my life – but not trusting myself. Always looking outside myself as if somehow, I’d find the way to live a better life.

Looking Within
The difference now is that I no longer look outside myself for answers. This has allowed me to set my own system of values – and trust that they are right for me. It has allowed me to see that love starts from me – that I need to love myself – before I can really give love to anyone else. And it has allowed me to trust others – because just like love – it has to start from myself before being given to anyone else. This feeling of trust has given me a firm ground to stand on – I feel more connected to the earth. I feel more connected to others, when once I was so separate, so alone.

What allowed me to trust? First, it was becoming aware of the fact that I didn’t trust myself or anything else. Below the lack of trust is fear, so I was living in fear and vibrating fear. Everything I saw was seen through the eyes of fear – and I got what I focused on. Think about it – if you fear, you don’t try things. For example, when I went to Rhonda Lenair for my initial recovery, she told me I needed to leave my job. I knew she was right, but I was afraid. I didn’t trust myself to be successful in my own business. And so I stayed – and things got worse at work. Until they got so bad and I had a relapse. For awhile, I lived with that fear and falling back into the dark hole – until I realized it was my money or my life. I chose life.

Surrendering – What Will Be, Will Be
When I chose life, I chose to surrender – to let go of the fear and let go of needing to know what was going to happen. That’s when I opened myself to trust. At first, it was just a whisper – a tiny voice inside of me that said I was moving in the right direction. Still fearful, I admitted my fear and kept moving forward anyway – that was the surrender. I started to feel like there was so much of life that is unknown and I really wanted to learn to be comfortable with it – to just step out there and see what would happen.

After doing this for awhile, trust showed up. You see, nothing blew up, the sky didn’t fall, the world didn’t end. I struggled along at times, felt true joy at times and felt lost at times, but overall, I was okay. And then better than okay. And finally, blissfully happy in a way I could never have believed possible in my corporate days.

Body Trust
Over the past 4 months, I realized that I made the same pact with my body in recovery. I figured it was finally time for me to see what my body wanted to do. Instead of me controlling it, manipulating it, tearing it apart – I would love it and trust it with the same core of love and trust that entered into my life. Again, the fear would sometimes come in about what would happen to my body – would it blow up, fall apart or some other horrible occurrence? The same surrender came in – the same willingness to see, to let time take its course and my body do its thing.

What happened has been pretty amazing. In this place of surrender – of accepting whatever will show up, I learned it’s actually more supportive of my body’s fitness and health. Treating my body with love means I feed it healthy foods in portions that work for me. I drink plenty of water to rehydrate. I exercise in ways that are more gentle to my body. My body and I work as a team – and yet, we are no longer separated by fear, hate and loneliness. We are one – connected – the same way I feel more connected to the world. This kind of relationship allowed me to find a system of eating that healed my body. And it allowed my intuition to grow, so that I just seemed to “know” how to work with my clients.

Trust Brought Proof
Knowing how to work with my clients meant my business started to grow. And it’s still growing today in ways that make me grateful for the miracle of life and the beauty of people. Life is not “perfect” now – it is full of challenges that try to rock my trust. But these are lessons – every time I commit to trust, I break through to another level of understanding. This is how it’s meant to be for all of us. This is what an addiction teaches us – if we are willing to take the first steps toward recovery.

Your Turn
What does it mean to trust in your life? Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself? What is one step you can take toward trust? Is it possible to just be OPEN to trust – and sit with that feeling for a while? What would that be like? Perhaps for you, there is something at your core that is causing you to struggle. What is it? Coax it out of hiding and see what it’s like to step into the unknown. To get support with something like this, take a look at the Carol Tuttle interview. She has a lot of great advice for clearing energy and core emotions that keep us stuck. In life, many times we will come across great teachers like Carol Tuttle or Donna Gates or Rhonda Lenair – I know I’m grateful for my teachers. But in the end, you have the answers. Trust yourself.

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