I recently got a really great question – “Are you happy in every moment?” Without thinking, my first response was yes. However, I felt the question required more reflection because it’s not as simple as “being happy all the time.”
Before I recovered, I used to feel depressed, with a low level of fear vibrating below the surface of my awareness. My story is not much different than many others – I looked happy and confident on the surface – so no one would have known what was underneath. I think it’s important to note that having an eating disorder was part of a bigger problem – I was living a life completely out of alignment with my heart’s desire. I’ll start there and work my way through this idea of being happy in every moment.
Early Habits – Going Against My Heart’s Desire
Ever since high school, I had an inner desire to have a small business of my own or perhaps a family business. I considered opening a business in my home town and going to college at night, but my parents suggested that going away to college would be better for me in the long run – expand my horizons. So I went – and while I had the typical fun that many people have in college, I continued to go against my inner voice, resulting in depression and the development of bulimia.
A State of Discomfort – Mind & Body
Keep in mind that I’d had digestive problems and constant pain and nausea at least since high school – which only got worse in college. Continuing to live my life in ways other than my true values and heart’s desire kept me in a state of discomfort, further compounding the chronic abdominal pain I already had. The perfectionist in me kept moving toward all of the things that seemed like “right” decisions and thriving on the approval I received from others – while the inner me, my true self, was neglected.
It went on like this for many years, through my corporate career. Having it all on the surface and having nothing underneath. I stopped paying attention to my inner self and it slipped below my radar as I numbed it with constant activity and addiction. During this time, it started to occur to me that I lived my life “in the cracks,” rather than being lifted up to see the big picture.
Life In The Cracks Defined
What I meant by “in the cracks,” is kind of like the cracks in a sidewalk. If an ant were to get stuck in the crack of a sidewalk, it might crawl back and forth, back and forth in that crack. Life might seem boring and hard being stuck there – never coming up to see that a whole world existed. Well, I was stuck in that crack and this kept me from seeing the big picture of my life.
In the crack, I believed every thought, feeling and emotion was THE defining factor in my life. So if I was sad one night, I’d believe I was doomed to sadness forever. If I was worried, I’d feel like my life was full of worry. If I thought I was a failure, I’d be certain my life was a failure now and forever. The happy times came often, but they didn’t synch up with the low level of fear vibrating below my awareness. This meant that I’d only have fleeting feelings of happiness that never took root. The fears and negative emotions took root because they’d synch right up with that fear.
I kept telling myself that if I could only make my way out of the cracks of my life, I’d be able to see the big picture, feel joy and get out of these negative details. That was wisdom speaking, because wisdom knows that we have a true essence capable of so much more. Yet I was not sure how to tap into that wisdom – didn’t know how to practice things again and again until that wisdom was part of who I was. And so I kept on feeling stuck in the cracks.
Seeing The Big Picture
Going to Rhonda Lenair was the first time I was lifted out of the cracks, to see life, the universe, the beauty of everything – it was amazing. However, since I still hadn’t fully changed my life – and my digestive pain continued, I fell back into the cracks again. At this point, I was sure there must be a way out though – after having seen it in some form for myself – I became a believer in finding a way.
As you know, I have often praised the Body Ecology Diet, by Donna Gates, for what it did for me. Healing my chronic digestive pain was like a miracle and it has a link to my life like a metaphor. The low level of fear and the digestive pain seemed to feed on each other. Once the chronic pain was gone – and I started telling myself how good I felt – it was like I was lifted out of the cracks of my life. It was like I could finally trust that it was possible to feel good, which freed my mind to embrace the greater aspects of my life.
Mind-Body Connection = Set The Spirit Free
At this point, I started to read Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth again – this time, from cover to cover, rather than flipping through it as I used to. I started to embrace these concepts and practice them. I became more aware of my thoughts – and that I had a choice to be happy or sad. I chose to be happy – and in the choosing, found true joy.
So am I happy? Yes. Does this mean I never get sad, angry, frustrated? No. I still get sad, angry and frustrated at times. The difference is that I know these feelings are fleeting. I know I can choose to let them go. And I know that the overall quality of my life is happy – I actually love my life and love living. A huge difference from before my recovery.
This was when I realized the inextricable mind-body connection. And the metaphor – that once my digestive pain was gone, I could actually experience days of digestive pain and know they were only fleeting – that I could feel good most of the time. The same is true for happiness. It all seemed to happen together – like everything clicked at once.
Quality of Life
Now I live my life with that overall, big picture feeling – this beautiful, peaceful place. It is about the quality of life – the overall quality is in alignment with my heart’s desire. In this way, I can catch myself if I start to get off course with the direction of my life or my thoughts – and bring it back into alignment. This keeps me strong, solid and grounded in my recovery. There is no internal fighting to stay in recovery – it is easy and peaceful.
This is why I believe that if we have addiction, it is more than just a mental thing. Whether you have pain or cravings or something that your body feels driven to do – that feels uncontrollable – it is a sign of a mind-body imbalance. You can work on your mind or you can work on your body – you can work on your spiritual side. Or you can work on all of them. Or, you can listen – listen to your inner voice. Listen until you start to hear it. Feel into your body – get still and feel into the places where there is subtle pain, tingling, nausea, discomfort, tension. Get still and feel and listen, until you start to get cues – telling you what your body and inner heart wants.
Your Turn & More To Come Tomorrow
What if it tells you it wants something other than what you are doing? Just listen. Write it down without judgment. Tomorrow, I will write another post on what to do if your heart’s desire is completely different from what you’re doing – and scary. I’ll provide some tips on how to deal with that and even how to thrive should you choose to go after your heart’s desire.
Until then, consider whether you are looking at the whole of life, or stuck in the cracks of your life. What would it be like if you lifted yourself out for a moment?
Hi Heather,
I always love learning more about you – the ups and downs of your life, and how you have managed to transcend challenges and transform them into opportunities for growth! You are amazing! It takes a lot of dedication to get to the point where you are, and that I admire greatly in you!
I feel my level of dedication in life has been wavering over the past few years, and I realize I need to commit to being dedicated to life and health 100% if I want to be the best person I can possibly be. I sense I am not entirely ready to make this commitment yet, but I’m inching my way in the right direction.
Heather, I have a question for you. Would you consider doing a post on what a typical food plan for the day might look like for you? Everything from breakfast to dinner with all the snacks inbetween? Also, I am curious: do you ever let yourself stray from your special diet? And, if so, how does it affect you?
Thank you for your tips you left in your comment on my blog! You’ve gotten me thinking… I will write on my own blog about the thoughts that came up for me.
love,
Emily
Comment by Emily — June 18, 2006 @ 11:01 pm
Heather I was so moved by this blog. I fel so often that I am living in the cracks I have gathered all these tols to help me and yet it is so hard for me to follow through I have this huge fear looming over my body I dont know what it is but I stil am not able to say what is in my heart.
I have tried to work so many workbooks and journals whee they ask questions Its like I am so sfraid to get to the bottom
I have been stuck on the Body Image page of my Joel Osteen devotional journal I cant anser the questions Its that way with everything I want to get rid of this pain but I feel I amnot doing al that I can do. Even some of the work you have presented to us I get frustratd and scared and put it in my PILE to get to later. Its a big pile . On the outside everyone things I am doing fine and am getting back tomy old self Well that couldnt be farther than the truth and I really dont want to go back to my old self She was sick and disabled too I want to arise asa brand new helathy me
I am looking forward to coaching and my rolfing sesions
In love & health
KAren
Comment by karen — June 19, 2006 @ 11:34 am
Hi Emily, I dedicated my post to you today (June 20th) — with a description of my food plan — thank you for such a great question! I really don’t stray from it because I don’t feel the need to — I don’t crave anything anymore. This doesn’t mean that you can’t stray from it — Donna has a plan to get back on track in her book. I just don’t feel the need to at all.
Before I did Body Ecology and had another, somewhat similar food plan, I got PMS and had cravings each month. I’d feel a tremendous need to eat something, although I couldn’t figure out what. I’d eat and eat, trying to satisfy my craving with healthy foods, but it didn’t work. I think it was the sugar from all the fruit I was eating, feeding the candida, which gets worse during menstruation. I’m not sure exactly what it was — but I know that I don’t have that during PMS anymore. I don’t know if I ever would have believed it if it weren’t happening in my life, so I just express gratitude every day.
I think it’s amazing that you are aware of a wavering sense of commitment — I can understand that completely. Until you’re really ready to give up b/p, it can be a weird dilemma. It’s funny, I used to think about bingeing and feel like it was exciting — that flash of memory I’d have about it. Now I never have that anymore. Eventually, it does go away. You have a strong sense of self and a lot of courage — I see that from your life story. This is how I know that when you really decide it’s time, the shift will come. And it will all be perfect. For you, I really have a sense that it’s about your power. For me, it was mostly about feeling lovable — for you, I think it’s about how powerful you really are — with all that intuition you have operating in your life. You are meant to do big things. Once you fully embrace that power, your shift will come. It’s very exciting — even if you aren’t sure yet — it has an exciting feel to it!
With love,
Heather
Comment by Heather — June 20, 2006 @ 8:45 pm
Hi Karen, You are very welcome! I am glad that you got something out of this post — just recognizing this is enough to start rising up to see the rest of your life in big picture. I’m wondering if you would start to focus on being OPEN. Just being open to being able to work on the body image page — and the pile of stuff you’ve put aside. This doesn’t mean you have to commit to doing any of it at a particular time. Just feel open to doing it — open to being ready to do it. Feel the desire to move beyond the pain, feel the courage to face those things coming into your life — with no specific goal for exactly when.
The funny thing I’ve found happens when you do that is you open up a part of your subconscious mind that starts to get curious. It starts to want to do the things that previously seemed so hard. Eventually, you find yourself doing it! The trick is — no judgment if you aren’t doing it. Just remind yourself you are open. This allows it to come into your life when the timing is right — and at that time, you are ready.
I’ll be interested to hear how you like rolfing — I thought it was fantastic! Even Joel liked it and he is pretty skeptical of things like that. I’m looking forward to our coaching group starting too — hopefully soon — just waiting for a couple more responses.
With love,
Heather
Comment by Heather — June 20, 2006 @ 8:51 pm
Hi Heather,
I only just saw the comment you left for me here yesterday. Thank you so much! I really appreciate you writing this entry. I admire you greatly for being so dedicated and true to yourself! I see so much purity in spirit — it’s beautiful! YOU are beautiful!
Heather, something I appreciate about you so much is that you look at everyone individually and have a talent for discovering what’s behind the surface and the insecurities. I love that you never assume that there is ONE right way for everyone, and that you strive to help each individual find their own personal balance. Many people who have healed from a certain ailment or revolutionized their life in some way have a certain arrogance about their method being the best, or will say things like “one day, you, too, may get to where I am”… this kind of attitude puts me off. You do not have this in the least, and I greatly appreciate that about you!
Thank you, Heather, for all your encouragement and advice!
much love,
Emily
Comment by Emily — June 21, 2006 @ 11:46 am
Hi Emily, thank you so much for your comment! I guess you feel like I do — the world would be much less interesting if we were all the same, wouldn’t it? There is nothing more beautiful than walking our own paths — and sometimes, joining each other on the same path. Sometimes we are leaders and sometimes we are followers. But more than anything, we are connected. I have this feeling that it’s the differences in us that help us to come together even stronger in community.
I’m guessing you have an natural talent for seeing things from multiple angles — your international upbringing was a valuable experience! It must feel like it comes naturally, and yet what a benefit it is to all you touch.
With love,
Heather
Comment by Heather — June 22, 2006 @ 10:06 pm