I recently got a really great question – “Are you happy in every moment?” Without thinking, my first response was yes. However, I felt the question required more reflection because it’s not as simple as “being happy all the time.”

Before I recovered, I used to feel depressed, with a low level of fear vibrating below the surface of my awareness. My story is not much different than many others – I looked happy and confident on the surface – so no one would have known what was underneath. I think it’s important to note that having an eating disorder was part of a bigger problem – I was living a life completely out of alignment with my heart’s desire. I’ll start there and work my way through this idea of being happy in every moment.

Early Habits – Going Against My Heart’s Desire
Ever since high school, I had an inner desire to have a small business of my own or perhaps a family business. I considered opening a business in my home town and going to college at night, but my parents suggested that going away to college would be better for me in the long run – expand my horizons. So I went – and while I had the typical fun that many people have in college, I continued to go against my inner voice, resulting in depression and the development of bulimia.

A State of Discomfort – Mind & Body
Keep in mind that I’d had digestive problems and constant pain and nausea at least since high school – which only got worse in college. Continuing to live my life in ways other than my true values and heart’s desire kept me in a state of discomfort, further compounding the chronic abdominal pain I already had. The perfectionist in me kept moving toward all of the things that seemed like “right” decisions and thriving on the approval I received from others – while the inner me, my true self, was neglected.

It went on like this for many years, through my corporate career. Having it all on the surface and having nothing underneath. I stopped paying attention to my inner self and it slipped below my radar as I numbed it with constant activity and addiction. During this time, it started to occur to me that I lived my life “in the cracks,” rather than being lifted up to see the big picture.

Life In The Cracks Defined
What I meant by “in the cracks,” is kind of like the cracks in a sidewalk. If an ant were to get stuck in the crack of a sidewalk, it might crawl back and forth, back and forth in that crack. Life might seem boring and hard being stuck there – never coming up to see that a whole world existed. Well, I was stuck in that crack and this kept me from seeing the big picture of my life.

In the crack, I believed every thought, feeling and emotion was THE defining factor in my life. So if I was sad one night, I’d believe I was doomed to sadness forever. If I was worried, I’d feel like my life was full of worry. If I thought I was a failure, I’d be certain my life was a failure now and forever. The happy times came often, but they didn’t synch up with the low level of fear vibrating below my awareness. This meant that I’d only have fleeting feelings of happiness that never took root. The fears and negative emotions took root because they’d synch right up with that fear.

I kept telling myself that if I could only make my way out of the cracks of my life, I’d be able to see the big picture, feel joy and get out of these negative details. That was wisdom speaking, because wisdom knows that we have a true essence capable of so much more. Yet I was not sure how to tap into that wisdom – didn’t know how to practice things again and again until that wisdom was part of who I was. And so I kept on feeling stuck in the cracks.

Seeing The Big Picture
Going to Rhonda Lenair was the first time I was lifted out of the cracks, to see life, the universe, the beauty of everything – it was amazing. However, since I still hadn’t fully changed my life – and my digestive pain continued, I fell back into the cracks again. At this point, I was sure there must be a way out though – after having seen it in some form for myself – I became a believer in finding a way.

As you know, I have often praised the Body Ecology Diet, by Donna Gates, for what it did for me. Healing my chronic digestive pain was like a miracle and it has a link to my life like a metaphor. The low level of fear and the digestive pain seemed to feed on each other. Once the chronic pain was gone – and I started telling myself how good I felt – it was like I was lifted out of the cracks of my life. It was like I could finally trust that it was possible to feel good, which freed my mind to embrace the greater aspects of my life.

Mind-Body Connection = Set The Spirit Free
At this point, I started to read Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth again – this time, from cover to cover, rather than flipping through it as I used to. I started to embrace these concepts and practice them. I became more aware of my thoughts – and that I had a choice to be happy or sad. I chose to be happy – and in the choosing, found true joy.

So am I happy? Yes. Does this mean I never get sad, angry, frustrated? No. I still get sad, angry and frustrated at times. The difference is that I know these feelings are fleeting. I know I can choose to let them go. And I know that the overall quality of my life is happy – I actually love my life and love living. A huge difference from before my recovery.

This was when I realized the inextricable mind-body connection. And the metaphor – that once my digestive pain was gone, I could actually experience days of digestive pain and know they were only fleeting – that I could feel good most of the time. The same is true for happiness. It all seemed to happen together – like everything clicked at once.

Quality of Life
Now I live my life with that overall, big picture feeling – this beautiful, peaceful place. It is about the quality of life – the overall quality is in alignment with my heart’s desire. In this way, I can catch myself if I start to get off course with the direction of my life or my thoughts – and bring it back into alignment. This keeps me strong, solid and grounded in my recovery. There is no internal fighting to stay in recovery – it is easy and peaceful.

This is why I believe that if we have addiction, it is more than just a mental thing. Whether you have pain or cravings or something that your body feels driven to do – that feels uncontrollable – it is a sign of a mind-body imbalance. You can work on your mind or you can work on your body – you can work on your spiritual side. Or you can work on all of them. Or, you can listen – listen to your inner voice. Listen until you start to hear it. Feel into your body – get still and feel into the places where there is subtle pain, tingling, nausea, discomfort, tension. Get still and feel and listen, until you start to get cues – telling you what your body and inner heart wants.

Your Turn & More To Come Tomorrow
What if it tells you it wants something other than what you are doing? Just listen. Write it down without judgment. Tomorrow, I will write another post on what to do if your heart’s desire is completely different from what you’re doing – and scary. I’ll provide some tips on how to deal with that and even how to thrive should you choose to go after your heart’s desire.

Until then, consider whether you are looking at the whole of life, or stuck in the cracks of your life. What would it be like if you lifted yourself out for a moment?

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