Have you ever felt bottled up inside? Maybe when you were a guest at someone’s home, had guests at your home – or possibly at work, with your friends or even with a significant other?
I just had this experience recently and I began to realize just how badly it affects me. I spent almost a whole week feeling “bottled up” – I didn’t feel like I could say what I really wanted to say or do what I really wanted to do. I felt stifled, contained and frustrated. My whole routine was upset and I was following someone else’s routine, being careful about what I said and trying to be the calm person that I strive to be.
The Root Cause — That Old People Pleaser
As all of this was going on, I recalled what it was like in my old life – the life of a bulimic, workaholic, overscheduler, perfectionist and people pleaser. If I were to break it all down, the bulimic and workaholic parts of me were probably the outcome of a life out of balance from the first 3. And if I broke it down further, the people pleaser was probably one of the real root causes for feeling bottled up inside.
As a people pleaser, I looked to others before myself. So even if inner wisdom said I didn’t want to do something, I’d decide to do it because someone else wanted to. Now all people compromise at some point in their lives. The challenge is when you start to compromise in all areas of life, leaving no room to do what you want to do – and feeling undeserving of following your own true desires. This is a recipe for moving so far away from yourself that you feel as if you have no intuition at all – no inner guidance to help make decisions in alignment with your heart. This is where I was.
Bottled Up In All Areas of Life
On the job, I constantly did for others before myself and I felt bottled up inside. At home, it was more of the same. With my friends, I felt like I wasn’t REALLY close to them and hence, felt lonely and misunderstood most of the time. Sometimes, I didn’t even feel like I was a true human being because I had this sense of not feeling close to people. As a friend, I was bottled up inside, afraid to express how I really felt and what I really wanted – always too concerned with what they would think of me. What if I wasn’t perfect? Wasn’t accepted? Wasn’t loved?
Wherever I went, I felt bottled up inside…and that created fear. And it made me feel like a fraud. I placed all value on what results I got on the outside – from people and events – and nothing on what happened on the inside. I was like an actor memorizing lines that someone else wrote – not someone creating the life I wanted, from my heart.
Here’s what I realized last week:
- I need to talk out my feelings. I am one of those who talk to think, so talking about how I feel really helps me. When I can’t express myself verbally, I start to feel bottled up inside.
- When I can’t talk, writing is another good option – I forgot that last week and upon talking with my husband, Joel, I realized I could have been journaling to get my feelings out.
- I have come a long way from the person I was – who was bottled up in all areas of life, including with Joel, who never knew I had suffered from an eating disorder. Now that he knows, I can talk to him about how I feel and really get everything out. This has helped our marriage more than I could have imagined.
- Being bottled up is one of the worst things I can do to myself – it creates emotional residue that surrounds me, impacts my ability to sleep, my energy and my desire to follow the healing routines I have created. It’s the first step toward imbalance.
Your Actions
- Where are you feeling bottled up in your own life? Look at your work, home life, relationships, finances, etc.
- What are the areas that cause the most issues or fears?
- How can you find out your heart’s desire around these things? Consider writing them down, visualizing them, talking to a confidant or using a creative way to tap into your heart’s desires. Consider this exercise as a way to listen to your body.
- What action can you take in at least one area of your life, to feel free – to release that bottled up feeling?
- How will you recognize and reward yourself for doing this?
- How will you maintain what you have accomplished?
Beautiful Life Lessons
As uncomfortable as I felt, I can look back and thank the universe for this experience – for reminding me how important it is to be true to myself – to express myself. Life constantly presents us with lessons that – while they seem like challenges at the time – actually serve to reinforce what we have learned or teach us something new about ourselves. I am so grateful for having learned the value of true, free expression in all areas of my life. Now I know I can take this with me as I find myself having to make the little compromises that come up in life – without going over the edge and sabotaging the things that keep me balanced and centered. We all deserve this balance – the trick is learning what balance means to each of us. What does balance mean to you?
by palmtreechick
10 Jul 2006 at 19:05
All I can picture is a a bottle of soda fizzing and waiting to explode.
Been there too.
by Meg
10 Jul 2006 at 20:01
Hi, Heather:
What a coincidence! The whole weekend abd today, I have been feeling “bottled up”. I feel that I am not really close to anyone. I feel that I am lonely and misunderstood by most people. Ironically, most people think I am a people person and I am outgoing and fun, but I know that was because I am a people pleaser. I constantly feel that I am a fraud with no value of my own. Today this feeling was so strong that it almost conquered me. I felt that I would need to B/P to ease it like before. Although I did not do so, I have been eating a lot and my stomach is so full now.
I am so glad to read your poster at the moment. It helped me feel much better. I thought bottle up inside was the characteristics of blood type A people (me). I have realized the being bottled up inside have created lots of negative energy in all aspects of my life. It almost ruined my marriage last year. I have been trying to change it, but it is SO SO HARD if it is possible. I started to express my true feeling more at home which made a huge difference overalll because I have a least one area of my life that I do not need to bottle up inside. But it is still so hard to do in other areas because I do not feel safe enough to do so. At work, I often feel that people around group together in order to get more power. One group of people would say nasty things about others who do not belong to them. I chose not to belong to any of them because what they say about others doesn’t sound right to me and that is not what I would like to say. As result, I do not belong to any group although it doesn’t mean that I was not attacked. (I guess I am surrounded by very ambitious and aggressive people.) In a sense I do not get any convenience, but on the other hand I can at least be true to myself. It took me a while to feel comfortable about this. However, because I am alone, I do often wonder why and whether what I did was right.
Your poster reminded me the importance of being true to yourself. I will have to reinforce that. Thanks for reading.
Meg
by Emily
11 Jul 2006 at 12:24
Wow, for me, too, this post really struck a chord! In my case, I think I often do what I need to be true to myself (which often means NOT doing certain things for that purpose). That’s a good thing, except that I don’t have strong enough self-confidence to really feel ok about it. I often end up feeling guilty.
J told me about some of his feelings over the weekend (a very good thing, as I always encourage him to do so!), and he admitted that he’s tired of making excuses for me when I don’t come along to parties our outings with his friends. His friends are all nice enough people, and I don’t mind spending time with them every once in a while. However, I don’t feel I have all that much in common with them. Every gathering they have centers around drinking A LOT of alcohol, and people tend to get kind of obnoxious after some time. I rarely drink – and, if so, I don’t drink much (to me, it just isn’t worth the miserable feeling the next day — funny that I can’t have the same attitude to food — although, come to think about it, I DO, as far as keeping food down; it’s only when I know I can get rid of it before it digests that I will allow myself certain indulgences).
Food is another issue for me at gatherings with J’s friends (or gatherings in general at which you graze on foods all day — or their choice in restaurants for going out – often Mexican, which doesn’t have a lot on the menu that works well for me).
J went to his friend’s 4th of July party last week. I would have gone, actually, except that my mom came down to do immigration paperwork that day. I had an excuse – although I wasn’t particularly looking for one that day. I wouldn’t have minded going to the party – but just for a few hours. J was there for TWELVE hours! I get bored after a couple of hours and want to go do my own thing. What can I say? It’s not that I don’t like these people. I just get bored, and prefer to spend my time doing other things – and be it reading and writing on blogs. Then does that make me lame? Anti-social?
I guess the challenge is, to what extent do you remain true to yourself, and to what extent do you compromise for the sake of preserving your relationships with others?
I know it’s difficult for J that I am so particular with my eating and that so much of my energy goes into self-nurturing (including my exercise, which is a priority over many other things). I know that I am not the same person he met and fell in love with. I was “fun-Emily” at the time, ate whatever, got drunk at parties, had lots of fun… Yes, a much more fun person to be around! Funny, he thinks I was more “myself” then. Despite all the challenges in my life, I actually feel like I’ve come a long way in my own self-development. I feel I am living a much more “healthy” life (despite the b/p, of course). Does healthy mean no fun? See, personally, I am fine with the way my life is, but am I spoiling the fun for others?
This turned into a long comment, so I’m going to post it on my own blog as well. I haven’t written on there in some time.
Thanks to Meg, also, for sharing! We all have so many parallels going here! It’s so comforting to read that other people face similar issues.
And thank you, Heather, for sharing your own experiences! I love when you get a little more personal in your posts! In general, in life, that’s what I thrive on, when things get personal! That’s the stuff I love!
much love,
Emily