I can remember saying that to myself a lot while I was struggling with bulimia. I just wanted my life to be normal. I wanted to eat normally, to remove my cravings and just be able to be free and happy. Having worked with so many clients and receiving so many e-mail inquiries about recovery, I have started to really ponder this desire for “normal” that so many of us seek.
What Is Normal?
First of all, what is normal? Looking back, I’m not sure I could have really described what I truly wanted normal to be. I remember looking around me – at everyone else – and thinking, yes – that must be normal. That’s what I wanted. Funny thing though, whenever I look at anyone else, all I see is what’s on the outside. I don’t see what’s going on underneath – is it true happiness, utter freedom? Or is it pain, fear, uncertainty? Maybe a blend of both? I think what I really thought of normal was that it was this nirvana, where I’d suddenly be happy and nothing would ever bother me again.
So Many Definitions of Normal
Normal would be going to a restaurant and just ordering whatever appealed to me. It would be walking down the street, feeling light and joyful, full of energy. Normal would be spontaneous – not having to plan my day around anything food related. It would be feeling great about myself, loving how I looked. In fact, this definition of “normal” really sounds more like enlightenment as described in many spiritual contexts. So what really is normal? Is this just my definition of normal? I suspect that others would have their own definitions, if we really all put pen to paper and defined it for ourselves.
Diagnosis Not Normal
Trouble is, I’ve found most of us don’t. Most of us see what others are doing and say – yes, that’ “normal” and I am not. We see ourselves through our own filters of fear, guilt and self-loathing and think – they have the secret, what’s wrong with me? Everywhere we look, we find reasons to compare ourselves with others, coming up with our own diagnosis…not normal.
Normal – The Food Metaphor
Recently, I heard someone describe normal as being able to eat candy and cheesecake – or go to McDonald’s – and really enjoy it without guilt, just like everyone else. My mind, upon hearing that, started asking several questions. First of all, is this what’s become of the word normal? Perhaps. And perhaps, this is not normal.
Another World of Normal
Enter a world where our ancestors ate whole, healthy foods. They did not take appetite suppressants, eat the vast amounts of sugar and processed foods that we do, walked more often than drove and went to bed with the sun. What was normal for them? While they had a whole host of other issues that we do not have today, many studies are finding that the further we get away from our digestive biological evolution, the further away we get from optimal health. In this scenario, McDonald’s, twinkies, pizza, candy and cake are not normal – no matter how wonderful they taste.
Our Body’s View of Normal
When these foods enter our bodies, they do all kinds of things – possibly contributing to incomplete digestion. And while I used to think that incomplete digestion was the goal to staying thin, I have now learned that complete digestion is actually the key to being naturally slim. Some of these foods do abuse our digestive systems, which have not been able to evolve as quickly as the food manufacturing business and the pharmaceutical industry. But today, this is normal. This is our mainstream. This is what we have as options laid out before us. It is what we know. And it is what we want, desire and crave.
Other Dependencies of Normal
Now, if you are like my husband, with a pretty good frame of mind, type B personality, good health, no history of addictions or major illnesses and no guilt about food, this may be okay. I say, have at that normal. Go for it, enjoy! If you feel great most of the time, go with that – you’ve found your stride and that’s the most important part.
Same Pattern, Expecting Different Results…Normal?
If, on the other hand, you find yourself constantly repeating the same patterns around food – guilt, feeling ill, building cravings upon eating certain things, uncontrollable behavior and cravings, racing thoughts, mood swings, addiction, binge-overexercise-restrict-pattern, etc., you may want to consider looking at your definition of normal. Identify what normal you are looking for in your life – and get really clear about it. My point here is not to say there is one way of eating or not eating. Nor is it to say that there are “bad” or “good” foods. None of this is relevant here. The idea is to decide whose normal you are following.
Defining Your Normal
We are all unique beings and we are presented with the habits we’ve learned from others around us. And the food that companies chose to manufacture for profit. Where do we step in and define what is right for us? When do we decide that what is right for our health is okay if it is different from what others are doing? At what point do we stand up for our own definition of normal?
Developing Confidence For Your Own Normal
Today, my definition of normal is very different from the mainstream. Mostly because every time I tried to be “normal” the way I thought I was “supposed to,” I ended up repeating the same pattern of bulimia – and expecting a different result. It wasn’t until I disconnected from what everyone else was doing and carved my own path that I found a deeply grounded sense of confidence about my own normal.
We all have our own normal. What is yours?
Here are some questions to consider:
- How do you want to feel every moment of the day?
- What do you choose to be focused on?
- Who do you want to have in your life?
- How do these people treat you?
- How do you treat yourself?
- What is your definition of “normal?”
- On what did you base your definition?
- Have you tried to be your definition of normal? In what ways?
- Has it worked for you?
- If not, what do you think is keeping you from living your own definition of normal?
As you answer these questions, look deeply into your heart and into your body. Feel for any areas of not being sure how to answer the questions. If they are tough to answer, it just may be that like me, you have not yet truly defined your definition of normal. Like I was, you may be trying to fit within the mainstream or someone else’s definition of what “should” be normal.
Follow Your Heart to Normal
We break free when we follow our hearts. I focused here on the food metaphor because it is one that we so often see and hear as central to the concerns of recovering from eating disorders (because every day, we must face our drug of choice). But this is more than just about food – it’s about life. Apply this to all areas of your life – your work, the friends you choose, your hobbies, etc. You may have a dream inside that is not being lived because the normal you are following is not what’s in your heart. Take a look and see. I’d love to hear what you find out!
Hi Heather,
I’ve often pondered the relativity of the word “normal.” What’s normal to one person is so different from what’s normal to the next! Who defines the norm? Whose norm are we trying to follow, to mold ourselves after?
For the longest time, I felt the way you felt: I thought others had it all figured out. I thought they had their lives under control – their cravings, their exercise routine, their fashion style, their hairdo… Like you, I’ve come to realize that everyone has their own insecurities beneath the surface. Most people have doubts and fears. I guess it’s safe to say ALL people do.
Blogging has opened up a whole other world to me. I LOVE reading people’s thoughts and what’s going on inside! It has helped me to realize that most people who look really put together on the outside (and I would have formerly felt intimidated by) do not feel that way on the inside. Everyone experiences some degree of inner chaos and doubt. (Some of us more so than others, and inner stability and strength is definitely what I am striving for!)
I no longer look at thin people thinking they are so lucky. I realize that, for most people, being thin isn’t a gift that comes without hard work and determination – or, unfortunately, often, a fair share of self-abuse.
Throughout the years, my concept of what’s “normal” also has changed quite a bit. For the longest time, I accepted discomfort in my body as the “normal” state. Comfort was “ideal,” but discomfort was “normal.”
Now, I am not quite sure what I would consider “normal.” I will put some more thought into it. To be quite honest, I think there just may not even be a normal. The word is so subjective. I’m not sure it’s even worth trying to define it. What I can do, though, is to define what’s “ideal” for me and strive to achieve that, all the while accepting that I cannot ALWAYS be in that ideal state.
Thanks for another great thought-provoking post, Heather!
love,
Emily
Comment by Emily — September 3, 2006 @ 3:20 pm
I often wonder what it would be like to be “normal” too. What would it be like to not have to worry about every piece of food that goes into my mouth, how much exercise I do, what I weigh and what a normal meal is. The thought of eating a “normal” meal scares me. I don’t even know what a “normal” meal is. To me it’s one thing and to everyone else it’s another.
Normal to mean would mean not having to worry about all the food/weight related stuff I obsess about everyday.
Comment by Palmtreechick — September 6, 2006 @ 8:41 pm
Great insights on ‘normal’!
I thought I knew what is normal until I moved from China to Canada. I agree what Emily said that there just may not even be a normal. Accepting everybody is different is important to me.
Meg
Comment by Meg — September 7, 2006 @ 9:25 pm
Hi Emily, Bravo — you have graduated past normal and are looking for YOUR OWN ideal. I love that, hooray! You are so right about learning how others feel inside, what a shame it is that we all learn to carry around so much fear and pain — thinking the grass is always greener somewhere else. Funny how the internet has brought us the blessing of getting to know ourselves through others.
With love,
Heather
Comment by Heather — September 15, 2006 @ 1:32 pm
Hi Meg, You and Emily are right on! We create our own definition of what’s right for us. Somehow, we all learned to compare ourselves with others and decide we were less than what we saw around us. Probably based on someone else’s definition of what’s right. We all have our own unique gifts and talents and when we try to fit the mold someone else created, the whole world loses and we suffer.
It’s cool that both you and Emily know what it’s like to live in two different countries and cultures. It brings a wider perspective about the idea of normal, doesn’t it? What a gift that is!
With love,
Heather
Comment by Heather — September 15, 2006 @ 1:41 pm
Hi Sarah, Yes — absolutely — what a different world we’d be in if we all just looked at ourselves and realized there is no such thing as normal! I am grateful for people like you who will spread the word about authenticity as a coach and mentor! What an amazing difference you are already making in the world, having carved your own path and sharing it with others!
With love,
Heather
Comment by Heather — September 15, 2006 @ 1:44 pm
Hi PTC, you are so right. I just went to Carol Tuttle’s dressing your truth workshop and what I learned there was to love the body I’m in — and appreciate who I really am. That’s when I really got grounded in being grateful for the body God/the Universe/Higher Power/Source gave us. There is no weight or shape that is normal — even though the fashion industry has shown us what they think is normal. In any case, I learned how to love my own body and dress it in a way that speaks my truth. It feels fabulous not to hide anymore. Hiding my body was another way of stuffing fear. I’ll write more about it later — your comment just reminded me that I still had work to do there — and how much the workshop helped me!!
WIth love,
Heather
Comment by Heather — September 15, 2006 @ 1:47 pm
Dear Heather, i was wanting to talk to you because a friend told me you really inspired her by helping her through tough times by just talking to her. So i was just needing someone who really understands and you sound like the right person. So I have now struggled with bulimia for 12 years now and it is becoming scary. I have been in 7 different treatment centers and nothing has helped me. I am so scared of letting others in putting that wall down to let people help me. How do you put that wall down and allow others to help you, i want to be in recovery and be healthy and not so sickly. How do i do that and fighting bulimia everyday i am not living i am only existing, because i am so into the bulimia i don’t think about anythign else but food and etc. So if you would please write me back here is my email address heather for you to email me back if you would please — okay please email me and i will email you back okay.
thanks
Comment by JF — September 16, 2006 @ 9:29 pm