I can remember saying that to myself a lot while I was struggling with bulimia. I just wanted my life to be normal. I wanted to eat normally, to remove my cravings and just be able to be free and happy. Having worked with so many clients and receiving so many e-mail inquiries about recovery, I have started to really ponder this desire for “normal” that so many of us seek.

What Is Normal?
First of all, what is normal? Looking back, I’m not sure I could have really described what I truly wanted normal to be. I remember looking around me – at everyone else – and thinking, yes – that must be normal. That’s what I wanted. Funny thing though, whenever I look at anyone else, all I see is what’s on the outside. I don’t see what’s going on underneath – is it true happiness, utter freedom? Or is it pain, fear, uncertainty? Maybe a blend of both? I think what I really thought of normal was that it was this nirvana, where I’d suddenly be happy and nothing would ever bother me again.

So Many Definitions of Normal
Normal would be going to a restaurant and just ordering whatever appealed to me. It would be walking down the street, feeling light and joyful, full of energy. Normal would be spontaneous – not having to plan my day around anything food related. It would be feeling great about myself, loving how I looked. In fact, this definition of “normal” really sounds more like enlightenment as described in many spiritual contexts. So what really is normal? Is this just my definition of normal? I suspect that others would have their own definitions, if we really all put pen to paper and defined it for ourselves.

Diagnosis Not Normal
Trouble is, I’ve found most of us don’t. Most of us see what others are doing and say – yes, that’ “normal” and I am not. We see ourselves through our own filters of fear, guilt and self-loathing and think – they have the secret, what’s wrong with me? Everywhere we look, we find reasons to compare ourselves with others, coming up with our own diagnosis…not normal.

Normal – The Food Metaphor
Recently, I heard someone describe normal as being able to eat candy and cheesecake – or go to McDonald’s – and really enjoy it without guilt, just like everyone else. My mind, upon hearing that, started asking several questions. First of all, is this what’s become of the word normal? Perhaps. And perhaps, this is not normal.

Another World of Normal
Enter a world where our ancestors ate whole, healthy foods. They did not take appetite suppressants, eat the vast amounts of sugar and processed foods that we do, walked more often than drove and went to bed with the sun. What was normal for them? While they had a whole host of other issues that we do not have today, many studies are finding that the further we get away from our digestive biological evolution, the further away we get from optimal health. In this scenario, McDonald’s, twinkies, pizza, candy and cake are not normal – no matter how wonderful they taste.

Our Body’s View of Normal
When these foods enter our bodies, they do all kinds of things – possibly contributing to incomplete digestion. And while I used to think that incomplete digestion was the goal to staying thin, I have now learned that complete digestion is actually the key to being naturally slim. Some of these foods do abuse our digestive systems, which have not been able to evolve as quickly as the food manufacturing business and the pharmaceutical industry. But today, this is normal. This is our mainstream. This is what we have as options laid out before us. It is what we know. And it is what we want, desire and crave.

Other Dependencies of Normal
Now, if you are like my husband, with a pretty good frame of mind, type B personality, good health, no history of addictions or major illnesses and no guilt about food, this may be okay. I say, have at that normal. Go for it, enjoy! If you feel great most of the time, go with that – you’ve found your stride and that’s the most important part.

Same Pattern, Expecting Different Results…Normal?
If, on the other hand, you find yourself constantly repeating the same patterns around food – guilt, feeling ill, building cravings upon eating certain things, uncontrollable behavior and cravings, racing thoughts, mood swings, addiction, binge-overexercise-restrict-pattern, etc., you may want to consider looking at your definition of normal. Identify what normal you are looking for in your life – and get really clear about it. My point here is not to say there is one way of eating or not eating. Nor is it to say that there are “bad” or “good” foods. None of this is relevant here. The idea is to decide whose normal you are following.

Defining Your Normal
We are all unique beings and we are presented with the habits we’ve learned from others around us. And the food that companies chose to manufacture for profit. Where do we step in and define what is right for us? When do we decide that what is right for our health is okay if it is different from what others are doing? At what point do we stand up for our own definition of normal?

Developing Confidence For Your Own Normal
Today, my definition of normal is very different from the mainstream. Mostly because every time I tried to be “normal” the way I thought I was “supposed to,” I ended up repeating the same pattern of bulimia – and expecting a different result. It wasn’t until I disconnected from what everyone else was doing and carved my own path that I found a deeply grounded sense of confidence about my own normal.

We all have our own normal. What is yours?

Here are some questions to consider:

  • How do you want to feel every moment of the day?
  • What do you choose to be focused on?
  • Who do you want to have in your life?
  • How do these people treat you?
  • How do you treat yourself?
  • What is your definition of “normal?”
  • On what did you base your definition?
  • Have you tried to be your definition of normal? In what ways?
  • Has it worked for you?
  • If not, what do you think is keeping you from living your own definition of normal?

As you answer these questions, look deeply into your heart and into your body. Feel for any areas of not being sure how to answer the questions. If they are tough to answer, it just may be that like me, you have not yet truly defined your definition of normal. Like I was, you may be trying to fit within the mainstream or someone else’s definition of what “should” be normal.

Follow Your Heart to Normal
We break free when we follow our hearts. I focused here on the food metaphor because it is one that we so often see and hear as central to the concerns of recovering from eating disorders (because every day, we must face our drug of choice). But this is more than just about food – it’s about life. Apply this to all areas of your life – your work, the friends you choose, your hobbies, etc. You may have a dream inside that is not being lived because the normal you are following is not what’s in your heart. Take a look and see. I’d love to hear what you find out!

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