I am blessed with an amazing group of women who meet on a weekly basis to move toward recovery. Each week, they inspire me with their insight, their triumphs and their power. I was given permission to share one story, which is very compelling, about the price we pay for our perception of beauty.

It all started when one of the women in my group shared the Dove Self-Esteem Fund video – if you haven’t seen it, take a look. You may recall an article I wrote on airbrushing, where you can see more of how women’s pictures are changed in the name of beauty.

Body Image Acceptance
I have a lot to share with you about my most recent visits to an endocrinologist to find out more about my health in the recovery process. My goal is to share as much as possible so that we can all learn about the body in recovery. The one thing I will share right now, before I write the full story, is that my weight has gone up between 5 – 10 pounds. This is good — because I’m finally a normal weight, where I used to be underweight. As I am getting used to this new body — learning to accept it and revel in it’s strength and energy, it’s satisfaction with life and nourishment — it hit me kind of hard a couple of weeks ago. It hit me that for 5 – 10 pounds, I was bingeing and purging. For 5 – 10 pounds, I was denying myself a connection with life. I talked to Joel about it — feeling incredulous that I would sacrifice so much of my life and happiness for these pounds, that actually are okay.

While I had digestive distress as my main trigger for bulimia, I still had a desire to stay at the weight I felt comfortable in — just one more way perfectionism reared it’s head. What was I afraid of? It’s difficult to know anymore — it’s sad to think that I stepped out of life to get on a treadmill to nowhere — further and further away from myself.

Inspirational Words From A Reader
Well, this woman says is better than I could, so I wanted to share her story. She is amazing and inspiring — I can feel the vibration of her energy rising — and in reading her words, you may feel your own energy rising as well. She is getting the ah-ha that is so pivotal in recovery and she explains it so beautifully. Thank you, my inspiring friend, for sharing your words — and for knowing that law of attraction empowers you to create your ideal life!

“How many times have we all consciously or subliminally measured ourselves against those airbrushed images and found ourselves lacking? Something I’ve realised recently in relation to my own disordered eating and body-obsession is that it’s absolutely a full-time job maintaining a body that corresponds with those in the media- and that the models, actresses, random heiresses and celebrities parading for the cameras have legions of people and resources to assist them in sculpting their bodies and image.

And I realise that my driven perfectionism and need to prove myself worthy has dictated that I must outperform everybody- must be thinner than anyone in the magazines, on the catwalks, on the screen. And now I understand that I can do that- but more or less at the expense of anything else normal in my life. I can be very, very thin. But I can’t function at my job whilst doing so. I can’t have a meaningful relationship with my partner or my family whilst doing so (eating disorders are jealous lovers- they demand absolute fidelity and undivided attention). I can’t love people or nature or my community or my planet whilst doing so. I’ll never be a mother or a contributor or a writer or a real friend whilst doing so. I simply have nothing left to give after I’ve dedicated every last shred of energy and focus and motivation I have to sculpting my body.

I’ve decided I don’t want to squander this precious life on pursuing such an empty, engulfing, tyrannical grail. I’ve needed to relax. I’ve needed to set aside anxiety to eat enough to enable me to do the things that alive people do- all the mundane and the sublime things. Focus at work. Maintain concentration for more than 5 seconds. Get absorbed in anything other than body/eating obsession. Get ideas. Laugh. Create. See friends. Read. Look at art. Go to the farmers’ market. Talk to my family and listen to what they have to say. Really notice the sunset or the autum leaves or the crisp bite that’s in the air now. Have sex with my partner. Enjoy a shower. Watch films. Enjoy travel. Sleep. Honestly, none of these things were possible in any meaningful way when I was fighting hunger, fighting fatigue, fighting ME- mercilessly pushing myself to be bone-thin. It wasn’t worth it, my friends. Plus, I looked like crap- sallow, sunken and joyless.

Now- it’s blissful to relax. To eat enough to concentrate. To not fight myself or my needs any more. Of course, the insidious and desperate need for more thinness creeps up on me from time to time. Sometimes when I feel I’ve overeaten due to stress, or if I’m tired, worried or sad. Then being more rigid about my eating/exercise seems such an easy solution- but every day now I keep reminding myself that it’s no solution. Trying to be thinner or to improve my appearance as a means of gaining self-worth is never, ever going to work. I try to accept myself now no matter what. No matter what I’ve eaten. No matter how much work I’ve done. No matter whether I’ve taken little or no exercise that day. No matter if my flat is clean or chaotic, or if my boyfriend is loving or dismissive. Absolutely no matter what.

And I find that when I do that, then when I am rested and nourished I automatically move towards growth. I eat just what my body needs to be healthy. I am productive and inspired at work. I move with joy. I make my home beautiful. My relationship thrives because I value myself enough to insist on respect, and if that’s not there, I will leave. There’s no need to fight, or strive, or flagellate myself, or try harder. When I love and accept myself, goodness just flows into my life.

However, I faltered badly yesterday. Some negative chatter about work and my worth took root in my mind; plus I’m premenstrual at the minute and my body is sore and swollen. I felt huge. I was consumed with guilt. I ate in grief and self-hatred and despair. But then I tried to forgive myself, truly forgive and be compassionate towards myself, and it worked. The distorted and the negative body image thing is something that’s a major issue for me- it can linger, pounce and dominate, even when my eating is stable and comfortable. I’m hoping- this is part of my vision, I guess- that I am growing into someone that entirely accepts and rejoices in their body, face and appearance. ”

Some Comments
Beautiful women, it’s time to step out and accept ourselves just as we are! Find the people who support us unconditionally and let the others go. And it’s time to take a deep breath and honor our bodies during our monthly cleansing — how hard has that been for most of us? How hard has it been to deal with the bloating, cravings, irritability…the pain. Often, it leads us to loathing our bodies — and loathing ourselves. No wonder we try to stop it with drugs, with excessive thinness, with exercise. For too long, we’ve been denying ourselves.

If we stop to think about it, it’s really a way of denying our power, the feminine, our connectedness. If we all accepted ourselves, the inner tantrum and frustration could end, so that we could open ourselves up to our true essence — joy, self-love, peace. This woman’s words — you can see that she is starting to rise beyond the tantrum, inviting in the peace. Sometimes, we falter — and look how she gets up and chooses again to honor herself. She is a triumph. Everyday, we get to decide how we will meet the world and who we will walk with on our way there.

Thank you, dear reader for choosing to walk with us — and for sharing your journey!

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