Well, these past couple of months have admittedly been a struggle in some ways. So much so that I started to have many days of feeling “bingey.”
Of course, when those bingey days come along one after one, the idea of purging is lurking somewhere in the back of my mind…so I’ll share what it was like, why I think it happened and what I did about it.
Since it got kind of long, I broke it up into 2 parts….this is part 1. Part 2 is coming tomorrow!
How It All Started
I started a yoga teacher training program in January.
I already have my Ashtanga yoga teacher training from a program I did with David Swenson, but it was not a 200-hour program and I had a personal goal to get my 200-hour certification.
It’s not that I want to teach yoga, per se, but I do use a lot of energy work with my clients and yoga (and it’s principles) is another form of enery work, so it really fits nicely with my work as a coach.
This program was unique in that I could live my own normal life at home and keep my normal work schedule — sounds great, huh?
Unfortunately, the trade off was getting up at 4:50 am each morning so that I was at the studio for meditation (40 minute drive) and then 1.5 hours of yoga afterwards. The program was actually about 20 hours per week, but took most of my early mornings and nights after work, plus a hefty number of weekends.
I did okay for awhile, excited to get used to going to bed and getting up early…then I traveled to Utah and got thrown off by the time difference.
Upon my return, I began getting less and less sleep. That’s when it all started….
The Ogre
The owner of the yoga studio was, well…an ogre comes to mind.
He yelled at us every morning, embarrassed us in front of classes of paying customers and used a lot of techniques that felt very similar to what you’d imagine it’s like to be in the military. “Hey maggot, drop and give me 20!!!”
In fact, on one of my exams, he made me and one other student re-write the ENTIRE test because we didn’t PRINT our answers. My “printing” is a combination of print with some letters that are cursive in nature. To him, that was cursive writing and therefore, I must spend the next hour re-writing the entire test.
Another time, he asked me to teach one of his classes at the last minute when I showed up at the studio on a Saturday morning. It was my first time ever teaching a class of paying students and it was a “gentle” class — shorter and not the format I was familiar with. I got a bit off course with the timing and he came in and SCREAMED at me to get them into relaxation IMMEDIATELY….I mean, SCREAMED — who could relax after that??? 
Anyway, the students all came up to me and told me it was the best first class they ever had anyone teach and they loved my class but were angry at him for being such a jerk.
These were par for the course for my experience. And I was not alone, the other women were going through the same things.
Closing Up
The truth is, I closed up. I shut down and forgot all about law of attraction.
I started to just “push through it” living for the day it would be over and I’d have my certificate. I was sleep deprived, anxious and not really enjoying life at all.
I know I had adrenal fatigue, as did many of the students in my class. We had to be vegetarian and several of us are O blood types who need more animal protein. It was a physical and mental train wreck!
The Bingey Days
I starte to experience, for the first time in ages, these bingey feelings. They started as cravings — I started to crave sweet things.
After awhile, I started to crave sugar and envision sugary processed foods. That NEVER happened to me since I started the Body Ecology diet, so I was a bit thrown.
I had several days of eating a lot more than I’d like to — never a full-blown binge, just eating more than I needed and feeling that desire to binge. Each time, in order to center myself, I’d STOP envisioning the food and the whole process of binging (there were no, “what’s in the cupboard” kind of thoughts that I used to have prior to a binge I couldn’t stop).
This time I just sat there thinking, “Do I want to feel sick, exhausted, depleted?” and “Do I want to feel mentally drained, manic, full of overwhelming fear?” In essence, I focused on the RESULT I would get if I went down the binge/purge path, rather than the first part (just the food) that I used to focus on before recovery.
So while, yeah-cool-that’s-great — these days continued. All the while, I was doing yoga and meditating…so obviously they ALONE aren’t cure-alls, but I do think it helped.
Of course, I was not on the initial stage of Body Ecology anymore, so my first course of action was to go back to that. Wow, did that help. I went back to stage 1 of the Body Ecology program (including having some red meat) and it was an almost instant cure of the adrenal fatigue feelings. Please read the article on adrenal fatigue from the Body Ecology website — you’ll be amazed at the symptoms….
- Anxiety
- Cravings for sugar
- Weight gain or loss for no reason
- Exhaustion…and more!
What Went Wrong
Here’s what I think went wrong:
- I got stressed - trying to fit this program into my life while my business was growing…and being yelled at all the time! I FIRMLY believe that stress is a huge contributor to eating disorders. It RAISES your blood sugar levels, which sets off a whole host of bad physiological affects. Stress harms your body, even though it feels like it’s all in your head. It’s by far the biggest reason people end up at the doctor’s office and it kills the good bacteria in our intestines that help us digest (including helping us make the serotonin we need to heal an eating disorder!)
- I shut down - I lost my focus on law of attraction, being positive and loving life because I closed myself off out of fear of being yelled at all the time. I stopped doing all of the energy work that helped me so much – EFT, reading my vision, etc. It all went out the window as I fell into my life situation and stopped seeing the big picture of my LIFE.
- I was sleep deprived - I was only getting about 5 – 6 hours of sleep each night. I was exhausted and that was the worst problem of all!!!!! Forget fancy cures, sleep is the biggest healer of all! For my whole life, I had sleep apnea and barely got any sleep. It’s interesting that my recovery came at a time when I got a sleep apnea mouthpiece that allowed me to get a full night’s refreshing sleep. I don’t think it’s the WHOLE answer, but it made a huge contribution.
Basically, I was moving back into a pattern that I had in my corporate days, pre recovery. It was the same pattern — see how our energy has habits? If you forget to pay attention, it’s so easy to slip back into old habits.
Stay tuned tomorrow to find out how I got out of this pattern and what I learned!
Hi Heather
I had no idea how rough it has been for you and what the yoga training is taking outof you
Ihope things are better
I need to read the article on the Adrenal fatigue
I gave it to a friend who has a tumor on her adrenal glad and they cant figure out what to do with her
Much love and be well
Karen
Comment by karen — March 30, 2007 @ 3:43 pm
Hi Karen, I hope everything with your friend goes okay and that the article really helps her! My yoga teather training was actually perfect — you’ll see when you read part 2 — sometimes the best lessons come through big challenges.
I learned more about myself and life through the process.
I hope you are doing well!
With love,
Heather
Comment by Heather — March 31, 2007 @ 6:56 am