This is part 2 of my post on how I dealt with a return of those bingey feelings, how I dealt with them and my BIG lessons.
You may want to start with part 1 if you missed it — and then come here afterwards!
How I Got Out…and What I Learned
I got a Zen during this time and Joel had loaded my favorite Eckhart Tolle CDs onto it so I could listen on my commutes. It was one thing he said that woke me up.
Eckhart Tolle said something like – we should all be enjoying every day. We are not meant to wake up dreading the day. Look at plants. You don’t see a flower saying to the sun, “oh no, I don’t want to face the day.” Flowers welcome each day.
That’s when I realized that I was dreading each day, shutting down — and that I wanted to be like the flower again.
From that point on, I went back to step 1…I went back to following the initial version of the Body Ecology program that helped me recover in the first place. I started to get more sleep. And just as important, I started to greet the day with acceptance and gratitude.
Shortly thereafter, the program was about to end…so it took me almost 2 months to figure out what I was doing TO MYSELF. It took me that long to realize it wasn’t the OGRE, it wasn’t my life, it was just ME and how I was interpreting my life. It was just me, taking on too much. It was just me, feeling like I was stuck and under someone else’s thumb until I got my certification (replace with anything…money, love, security, etc. and you see what I mean…dependent upon others to get what you want, especially if you feel oppressed by the person/situation).
The Healing Begins
The studio owner was sick the last week, when most of us were making up days of the program that we missed. I had this idea to ask the owner if he wanted me to run his morning meditations so he could sleep in and feel better.
While In my heart, I wanted to allow him to sleep and feel better, my simultaneous goal was to heal the group of trainees. I felt we all needed to heal from the experience we had. It was clear, based on conversations we’d all had, that people needed it.
You see, I realized that I had done this to myself. It wasn’t the ogre. He was there to trigger me — and I got triggered. He was a lesson to me and I became grateful for that lesson. I realized the whole experience was perfect because I got to see a microcosm of my life played out in a short time span.
- I got to see how stress really affected me so that I could recommit to balance.
- I got to see how my nutritional plan was a form of nourishment that could ground me and help me maintain balance, even if other things in my life were out of whack.
- I got to see how I could ALLOW another person to INJURE me by internalizing their meanness and thinking not only negative things about them, but taking the negativity into my own body and mind. My focus was so much on negativity, that I lost the ability to see the positive in my life. I CHOSE that perspective and I can just as easily UN-CHOOSE it.
- I got to recommit to the value of nourishing sleep.
So I led the meditations…and I did something different. I veered off the protocol (I’d be in big trouble if he knew) and brought my Tibetan healing grade chakra singing bowls to meditation.
I did a different healing chakra meditation each day and led group discussions that allowed us to explore what happened to us internally. We got to discuss our own self-responsibility for our perspectives, thoughts and emotions. We explored law of attraction. It was beautiful.
We even had a new paying customer attend each day during that time. Everyone LOVED the meditations and that healed me tremendously. The women in my group showed me so much kindness and gratitude and I also felt that towards them. We healed the whole experience and learned that we got something tremendous from it — we all learned and transformed into stronger women.
Later, I learned that the ogre was part of a group of “misfits and alcoholics” that showed up to dry out and straighten up with the guru who started this yoga tradition. This guru’s approach with them was to beat down their egos using militaristic techniques, so he could build them back up again. This “ogre” thought he was providing a loving serivce becuase that whole approach from his guru changed his life for the better.
He thought he was doing something great. Our perspective was different. But in the end, we are all personally responsible for how we take things in and what we do with them in our minds and bodies. What a great lesson. That alone was worth the price of admission!
I’m grateful to be finished with the program and catching up on my sleep. Every day, I am grateful for this life.
Love and light to you all!
Thank you so much for sharing all this with us, Heather! I loved reading about your experience. As you know, I always enjoy when you get a bit more personal.
So glad you’re getting the much-needed sleep again and were able to turn the whole situation around and find the gem in it!
with love,
Emily
Comment by Emily Jolie — April 1, 2007 @ 1:22 am
Hi Heatehr
I cant believe you went through so muich but I am glad it is over and you came out the better for it
I wish I could have been there for your meditations I know they were awesome I wqoiuld love to have a yoga class from you and a QiGong and Acupuncture from EJ
Much love
KAren
Comment by karen — April 9, 2007 @ 7:06 pm