Miss Blue had some really great questions from a previous blog entry and I felt like it deserved a well-thought-out response. I know I write mostly about what I’ve learned or am learning, which may not always give you a picture of what’s really happening in my day to day life.

Mostly, I tend to be a big picture or systems thinker, so I often think in terms of concepts, rather than details.

This clearly comes out when I write, so I am always grateful for readers like Miss Blue, who ask me questions that come up from my writing. Miss Blue, you mentioned that you hesitated to ask and I want to encourage you to always feel comfortable to ask! I’m out here with you to share information that will be of use — and of course, how wonderful to get questions that make me think and inspire me to open a new door!

Today, I’m going to talk about recovery, relapses and why I feel like bulimia, depression and addiction has been such a gift in my life. To do this, I’ll bring you with me into some experiences I’ve had where I’ve gotten off track and talk about why.

_____________________________NOTE FROM MISS BLUE___________________________

Hi Heather,

I have hesitated to comment on the particular issue I am about to ask you because I didn’t want to put you on the spot to reveal something you may not feel comfortable about. But I have to ask, especially upon reading this entry.

This is what I want you to explain a bit more:

“Thank heavens for the depression, bingey thoughts and all the behaviors that come back ONLY when I’m out of alignment. Only when I’m in autopilot working too hard, doing work I hate, being with people I don’t feel aligned with. Being less than I am becuase I start to fear the money, the approval, the advancement of my career.”

You share that you still have some challenging thoughts from time to time, when you’re out of alignment. Being so aware, and much more practiced than most of us in how to tune into yourself, could you tell us how it is that you find yourself doing work that you realize you hate doing? You’ve mentioned this before, and it makes me feel so bad.

You work so hard, bringing us so much information, always learning, always inspiring…Is it that you spread yourself too thin with a lot of different things you like to do, or is that every good job still involves aspects of it you hate? Or is there something you’re doing, that you must keep doing, that you hate? In other words, is this a matter of simply divesting from a particular type of work you’re doing right now, or a matter of recognizing that there may always be aspects of some work you hate, and we all have to learn to take it easy during those times?

And do you really find yourself still fearing success at times? Could you write more about that too? I feel sometimes that money, and success are scary because they connote commitments that may get me in over my head.. I’m wondering what you would have to say about that.

Take your time-I know I put a lot out there. But you always make me think, so I hope you don’t mind!

With love, Miss Blue

_________________________________________________________________________

What Bulimia Recovery and Eating Disorders Recovery Means

Bulimia recovery, for me, means no longer participating in the chronic addictive behavior that was once a daily habit for me. However, from the first moment I recovered, I still knew I had a long way to go. I still had physical, emotional and spiritual healing to do — including unwinding a lot of habits that kept me from living my life in complete freedom and joy.

In the beginning, I’d get bogged down by feeling bad about how long it was taking for things to be “perfect,” but that was the perfectionist in me speaking. I’d start to fear what might happen if (fill in the blank), but that was the untrusting part of me speaking.

In fact, all of these limiting habits of thought and belief that I had were healing at the same time. In some cases, I needed to have experiences for them to heal and in other cases, it was like peeling an onion. As time went by, life would give me a lesson and another layer of that old thought or behavior would fall away.

Over the next few days, I’ll post on what it looked like to unravel these deeply ingrained habits & beliefs:

  • Perfectionism
  • Negative body image
  • Overwork and overwhelm… or, taking on too much
  • Money fears/fear of doing what I love
  • Fear of not being good enough
  • Thinking I had to DO things or not DO things to stay recovered (more fear)
  • Need for approval
  • Hiding my true self in my marriage
  • Fear of people “finding out” I had bulimia
  • Playing small with my friends

There’s probably a longer list than this! But it’s a good start so that you can see that recovery is about beginning the jouney. And every second of it can be either full of fear or full of joy, depending upon your perspective. I love every second of recovery because even though I still have a lot to learn when it comes to trust, I do trust that I am walking this path for a reason and it is full of blessings along the way.

Taking on Too Much & How I Find Myself Doing Work I Hate Doing

Okay, hate is a strong word, but it shows up when you’ve let something you merely don’t like last too long. So why does this happen?

Taking on too much. Everything has a positive and negative side. On the positive side, I have a lot of interests and I learn things really quickly. On the negative side, it can cause me to WANT to do a lot of things, sometimes too many. I see what needs to be done or see something I want to do and take it on because of my interest. Or perhaps because I know I CAN do it/fix it/solve it.

This creates periods of overwhelm in my life where I realize I have too many things coming due at once.

Now, I had stopped this habit sometime before I left my corporate job. I sailed into my own business with awareness — I focused on a balanced calendar and a balanced life. What I’ve noticed is that it can be easy to fall back into old habits (remember, it took many years to develop that habit and I’m still only about 3.5 years into changing this particular habit of balance).

So here’s what happens…Now I have lots of great opportunities to do things I love. If I take on too much of anything, even what I love, at once, it can still create overwhelm.

Just a few months ago, when I was living in Florida, I was writing several health articles per week, coaching, taking a 20-hour/week yoga teacher training, getting certified in Carol Tuttle’s Dressing Your Truth system and ghostwriting a book. Hmmm, does that sound like too much? :)

My habit kicked in and I had taken on too many great things, which left me little time for R&R.

All of the relaxing, balancing habits I had created: doing short meditations before each meal, reading inspirational books, spending time just doing nothing, taking weekends to just have pure FUN…it all went out the window. It took me a couple of months to realize that the fun had left my life,. Why so long? Because the energy of taking on too much was so FAMILIAR to me.

In some ways, during my corporate job, I realized I was addicted to the busy-ness. I was addicted to late nights, long days, high levels of productivity and the buzz of getting a lot done…and doing it well (that was the perfectionist driving me).

How Does This Contribute To Relapse?
When I first truly recovered, it was while I was still in my corporate job. I had rearragned my whole life, was taking time for me, doing yoga, eating really healthy foods and essentially, taking good care of myself every day. It was my priority, my commitment.

At one point, I got a pretty horrendous project that rippled through the company. I was managing an acquisition of another company.

There was so much negativity and stress, that I got right back into the addictive “buzz” again. It started with a cup of caffeinated coffee (which winds me up!), then foods that I knew did not nourish me. I was on the run, working long hours and getting less sleep.

After about 6 months of that, I had a relapse.

I took my eye off the ball. And you know what? It doesn’t matter that bulimia was my particular issue — it could have been cancer, panic attacks or any other symptom that our bodies use to wake us up.

For me, it was bulimia. Today, several years of practice later, I have a better way of catching myself early in the process and I’ll share more about that with you tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I will post about:

  • Why I fell into the same habit of overwork again, even though I’ve had “practice”
  • How to spot the signs of bulimia relapse and head it off at the pass
  • What happens from a cumulative effect of bad habits!


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