In part 2 of this post on bulimia recovery and relapses, I am continuing with my answer to Miss Blue on why, after recovery, I might fall into some of the same habits (e.g., doing work I hate, whether I fear success, etc.).

I also got a great question from Becca, so in my next post, I’ll focus on the part she was interested in: Thinking I had to DO things or not DO things to stay recovered”.

Here are some of the topics I’ll be covering in my upcoming posts:

  • Perfectionism
  • Negative body image
  • Overwork and overwhelm… or, taking on too much
  • Money fears/fear of doing what I love
  • Fear of not being good enough
  • Thinking I had to DO things or not DO things to stay recovered (more fear)
  • Need for approval
  • Hiding my true self in my marriage
  • Fear of people “finding out” I had bulimia
  • Playing small with my friends

In part 1 of this post, I left off by talking about the relapse that happened after I had gotten into recovery.

As I look back, here are some key relapse symptoms (really, symptoms of bulimia) I ignored:

  • Getting enough sleep (I was dropping down to 4 – 6 hours per night just to keep up with a heavy work load)
  • Having more negative thoughts, which felt like worry, fear, anxiety and discomfort.
  • Spending more time doing things I did not like and with people I did not like (as part of the work situation that some of the execs at my old company still apologize for putting me and my team through!)
  • Not speaking my truth – not speaking up for what I really wanted (why did I allow myself to stay in this situation when most of the company knew it was intolerable?)
  • And as time passed, the old symptom of bulimia…Stronger cravings for foods that I knew did not nourish or satsify me (the old binge foods).

I think at some point, our bodies just say — “Wake up, idiot, I can’t take this life anymore!!!” And that’s what my body was saying to me. I trust that my body would have been much kinder to me if I had listened to the earlier signs and signals. By my mind, so smug and arrogant (as egos are), thinks it’s smarter than my body because it’s been in control a lot longer. My body FEELS, but my mind thinks it KNOWS.

I let my mind start leading me and forgot about my body.

At the time, I didn’t know why I had the relapse…well, my mind didn’t know why. But I did know that it was time to leave my job (another thing I had been ignoring…that’s the money fears part of me). At some point, you realize that if you are in a job, relationship, friendship or anything that makes you feel like you have to climb a mountain pulling them or everything else with you, it’s not supporting you.

My job was draining my energy and affecting my health. While I had created an excellent, high performing team, it felt like climbing a mountain to keep my corner of my company positive and energized. Leaving was the best gift I ever gave myself.

I gave up the excellent salary, the status and a whole host of other “surface” things…cashed in my big house and moved into the mountains. And I haven’t looked back since. I was scared (REALLY SCARED), but again, I started to focus on ME, what I needed and what would keep me healthy and balanced. So it’s all about habits. Our thoughts are habits, our actions are habits.

Habits have energy, especially when they are deeply ingrained.

The Cumulative Effect of Bad Habits…Fast Forward to Today

In my most recent experience, I found that I was doing some long-term project work for a corporate client. At first, I was very excited about the work. The money was excellent, the work was interesting. It was fun…at first.

After a few months, I had “been there and done that” but the work continued. It no longer held the appeal for me that it had in the beginning. Plus, it was operational and I am by nature, big picture and strategic. I started to dread the work. Every day, I’d get an e-mail about it and dread it. Some of the people I worked with were negative and unpleasant. I overlooked it all thinking, the money is good. Maybe I can outsource some of the work and feel better about it.

So I did. But the energy of this not being right for me was still there.

I asked the Universe to give me a sign telling me it was time to give up the work. I got a sign. I ignored it thinking, maybe that wasn’t really a sign, this work isn’t that bad, I’m good at it (and all the other things my mind likes to rationalize). Guess what? A lot of the symptoms of bulimia from above started to creep in (you can call them precursors, but if together, they lead to a relapse, they feel more like symptoms). The situation was not as intolerable as in my corporate job, so I ignored it.

After awhile, I started to notice thoughts of binging and cravings. That’s when I knew for sure. That’s when I started to listen up — because I knew what was next if I kept rationalizing. It was time to face up to what my heart really wanted.

I had other dreams inside of me, but I was not sure how I’d make those dreams pay off. And interestingly enough, you’d think I’d have more courage because I’d already left the big money job and created a successful business…so what’s my problem?

It’s a simple equation of negative habits:
Work Stress = overwhelm/taking on too much + perfectionism + money fears/fear of doing what I love + not taking care of myself + needing approval (in this case, for the work I was doing)

Too much work stress (or any stress) = physical, emotional and spiritual pain, which can lead to symptoms, which can lead to (fill in the blank with the issue that keeps recurring for you) bulimic behaviors.

This is where bulimia is a gift. If it ever shows up (or even it’s precursors), it’s there to tell me to “wake up, you idiot” and get back in tune with my heart. It’s reminding me that I got caught up in my web of habits because they are more ingrained and morefamiliar.

Like a well worn path. It’s there to tell me to shift my energy by focusing on taking care of ME. By nourishing my heart and soul. By trusting that I DESERVE to have the life I want.

I hope that helps to answer some of your questions, Miss Blue! I’ll talk more about the nitty gritty of some of these habits and why they deteriorated for a period of time. I’ll also address the cycles I’m seeing in my life and give some tips for spotting your own cycles.

With infinite love and gratitude,
Heather

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