TranscendBulimia.com

This is part 3 of a continuing series about relapses that started with a great question from Miss Blue. Since then, Becca and Tracey have also asked some great questions, so I’m continuing here in part 3 to answer Becca’s question about what I do or don’t do in recovery. In my next post, I’ll share some of the things that have been most helpful to me — but in this post, you’ll learn why no list is helpful…until you read this….

Bulimia recovery regimens. We love them. Everyone has THE way and THE answer — we’ve probably tried most of them. I know I have.

Most of the time, I’d give something the old college try for about a week, two weeks — maybe even a month — before succumbing to a relapse and declaring that nothing worked. This is “just the way I am.”

When I finally did recover, one of the keys was to stick with my plan and let a new habit take over. Every day, I had to choose into my plan again and again, with deep focus and commitment. Sometimes, it felt like a tightrope act between rules and “anything goes.” Most importantly, it was my faith and belief in my plan that made it work. And of course, a good dose of coaching and support along the way!

So, once I declared myself “recovered,” I was ecstatic. You know how that feels if you’ve gone any length of time longer than your usual record without a binge or binge and purge. I felt like I could do anything.

And you know, the truth is, we CAN do anything, but more about that in a moment….

The only trick was that a new fear came in….”how long will this last?” My brain would do that thing our brains are so good at doing — “Well, you’ve never been able to recover before, so why now?”

I wasn’t this cynical on the surface when I first truly recovered, but that little voice was there lurking in the background.

While I had trust and faith, this little voice showed up and pushed me to enroll in a regimen. It looked something like this:

If I eat healthy foods, do yoga 6 days per week (that’s 6 days, not 5, not 7, but 6 days!), took my supplements at these SPECIFIC times during the day, meditated first thing in the morning, got at least 7 hours of sleep, read an inspiratioinal book before bed, etc., etc.

Sounds wonderful, doesn’t it?

While it really wasn’t THAT bad, it kind of was. Because instead of allowing myself to trust that with balance, I’d be fine, I hinged my long-term successful recovery from bulimia with with a whole host of new rules.

I figured the new rules would adequately use up my time, so that I wasn’t idle. They were more fun than overworking and as a self-help junkie (which was really a nice way of saying I never felt good enough unless I was striving for something), it felt like I was doing “good” things for myself. The problem with this kind of eating disorders recovery mentality was that instead of learning to “go with the flow” and live my life in balance, I inherited a whole new list of ways to overachieve.

I think I knew that the pendulum was swinging too far to the other side, but since I wasn’t practicing a self-harming behavior, it seemed okay at the time.

What ended up happening was that I never sat still.

I indulged in another way to distract myself from feeling the emotions that might come up as I unwound the limiting thoughts and behaviors that kept me stuck in bulimia and depression. Since both the bulimia and the depression were gone, it seemed like I was on the right track — this is how we can fool ourselves in recovery.

I would say that I was distracting myself with so much self-care, that I did not notice when things at my job got really stressful. This was how I went back into autopilot.

In fact, I even ignored it when I started overexercising, still telling myself that it was better than throwing up. I was not overexercising due to binging or concern about my weight so much as another outlet for all the overachieving I was doing in my life.

Here’s the kicker…the fear was that IF I didn’t do the things on my list, then something might happen.

If I didn’t do this at that time, I was afraid I’d have a relapse. The fear kept me running in a treadmill of self-help routines. Now I don’t necessarily think that everyone would choose to swing so far to the other side of self-help, as I did. But even so, I do notice that we tend to carry this fear. What if I go do that thing, will it upset my recovery? What if I don’t do that thing, will I be okay? If I eat this, will it hurt me? If I don’t get enough sleep, will I be okay tomorrow? What if it makes me want to have a binge?

What You Focus on Expands

What we focus on, we give energy to and what we give energy to expands in our minds. When my focus was all the “what if’s” that could occur if I took one action or another, I lost sight of my trust and faith in my ability to recover.

It was like constantly questioning myself, which can be difficult when you are trying to create a new habit and thought process.

It is undermining and self-sabotaging. It is, in fact, another form of fear. The more you focus on fear, the more you actually fear…and of course, the less you trust.

What’s The Worst That Could Happen?

Part of how I knew I had truly recovered, regardless of the fear, what that my body had time to heal. And you know, it wasn’t all bad — because my mind had time to heal as well. Without depression and fatigue, I learned what it was like to be open to trusting. I wanted this experience of living and continuing to grow.

Several years ago, when I had the relapse that I mentioned in my last post, I understood more about myself.

I realized how much fear I was focused on and how eventually, my drive to overachieve (however self-helpish it was) was another just another way to stay stuck. More importantly, I realized that I would be okay. Because the worst thing that could happen was that I’d have a relapse. And I’d get up the next day and choose again to believe and trust in recovery.

You see, my body and mind now understood the energy of recovery. This amazing vibrant health that I had achieved was not only possible, but worth my commitment to believing in recovery. It didn’t matter what the statistics said. In every moment that I chose to focus on my commitment to mind, body and spirit health, I was choosing to believe in recovery.

That’s when I learned the most important lesson in my own recovery from bulimia.

It didn’t really matter what list of things I did or did not do. What mattered was following my inner guidance. Inner guidance or intuition is the thing we cut off when we have an addiction. In fact, we probably started to cut it off growing up.

As children, we follow our inner guidance so easily. We play when we feel like playing and rest when we feel like resting. Sometime in the process of growing up, we start to listen to others. Those of us who are people pleasers listen to others to the point of having no boundaries or inner guidance of our own.

I am still a proponent of having a plan for self care in recovery. I think it is VERY important becuase it reminds us to be kind to ourselves. Taking the time to do nice things for ourselves trains us to realize we are worth that kindness. We DESERVE it.

And yet, we also have to trust that no matter what, we are ALWAYS going to be okay.

In this way, we can trust our inner guidance when we feel like say, taking a walk, when we think we “should” do yoga. Or maybe just sitting on a rock and looking at the water, instead of chasing the next “to do” on our list.

It’s not about what we DO or DON’T do. It’s about listening to our body…the one we denied and abused for so long because it was telling us we wanted something different than the “shoulds” we thought we HAD to do. Our bodies never betray us. They are our only barometer for what makes our heart sing.

Recovery is not becoming a suddenly perfect person with no bad habits or thougths.

Recovery is coming back to your body. Forgiving it…letting it forgive you. Through this process of forgiveness comes the kind of trust that creates a security that can only come from following your own inner voice.

I think recovery is so “hard” because we give up too easily.

We get discouraged and we believe that moment of discouragement is true. That is says something about us. But that’s not who you are. Who you are is how you feel when you are feeling at peace and at your best. The more you can cultivate this part of you, the more it will be your “normal.” Your inner voice will lead you there. It needs no map, no plan, and still it knows the way.

People who looked at this item also looked at…

• The “Good Enough” Experiment and My Results
• The Secret Behind The Secret – By Michael Neill
• About Me
• Elements of A Relapse – Part 1
• Bulimia Recovery: Stopping the Cycle of Relapse Part 2

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• How to Deal with Physical & Emotional Pain in Eating Disorders Recovery – Part 2