In December, I did a post on my goal to truly feel “good enough” deep in my core.
Similar themes in my life, and certainly at the core of bulimia, was not feeling like there would be enough. In fact, I’d find myself worrying about having enough and storing things up: food, personal care products, clothing….anything I liked and worried I’d run out of.
These days, I am very aware that that is a signal of not feeling safe. Of a fear of not having enough and not BEING enough.
So what happened with my New Year’s resolution to truly feel good enough?
A lot happened, actually. It started out with being hurt by a dear friend, which caused me to examine how I felt about myself. When this happened, I was faced with this question of how I felt about myself. Interestingly, I was able to look carefully at the situation and instead of feeling bad about myself (that, oh, I’m not good enough or it’s cousins: people don’t like me, people don’t accept me, I’m not lovable, etc.), I actually was able to connect with being hurt without feeling that terrible sinking feeling of not being xyz enough.
Instead, I looked at how I had started to go there and pulled back. I began to witness or observe my thought process and work with it. I also looked carefully at my friend’s behavior, realizing that what happened was more about her and what she was going through, than about me.
At that point, I could see that what happened was perfect because it allowed me to connect to this part of myself and release myself from a habit of thought (going to “what’s wrong with me”) and thank the Universe for providing me with a gift of awareness.
This allowed me to forgive my friend for what she did and at the same time, to forgive myself for years of beating myself up, of judging myself, of hurting myself.
Because negative thoughts do hurt. They keep us stuck in fear and doubt.
So the question came up…what to do about this friend? What does it mean to forgive? I struggled with this one because I didn’t know if it was better to forgive and still be her friend or to forgive and allow her to move out of my inner circle.
My intuition said, surround yourself with people who support you, both to your face and behind your back. Surround yourself with people who want you to be successful, to thrive. Surround yourself with people who don’t compare themselves to you and make good or bad judgments about themselves as a result. So I decided to forgive and allow her to move out of my inner circle.
Interestingly enough, Louise Hay was just on Oprah yesterday and she said this: Forgiveness, however, does not mean you need to befriend the person who hurt you. “You don’t even have to condone their behavior,” Louise says. “It’s just that you let the whole thing go; you separate yourself from the experience.”
Having my intuition confirmed by someone who’s had 81 years of experience — over 30 of those years directly teaching and dealing with these issues — is beautiful. Another reason to thank Louise Hay!
So much more has happened over the past 2 months and I will share them in my next few posts.
To give you a preview, I’ll be sharing:
- One of the biggest things I had been denying myself and how just the simple act of changing this brought profound change.
- My quest for a green thumb and the amazing things Nature has shown me.
- My big car accident on the snowy, icy roads and what I learned from it.
- My recent visit to Rhonda Lenair and the incredibly profound shifts I’ve experienced over the past couple of weeks.
- Why my new nickname is Hapi.
Each one of these experiences is an amazing discovery in my quest to finally feel good enough. And today, sitting here, I can tell you that I’ve truly stepped onto that path. I don’t feel like it’s one of those “one and done” kinds of things (for me, anyway!). Instead, I feel like I “get” the process.
I get the process of how you can get into a loop of not feeling or being enough.
I get how it manifests in my life. And that alone, has enabled me to work through the process of releasing it’s hold on me. At some point, after working this process enough (practicing!), I trust that it will be a part of who I am. A thing of the past.
Right now, I am grateful for the beauty of where I am in my life. And that’s truly enough, isn’t it?
Today is within the 24-hour period of the New Moon — a time to set intentions for new beginnings. This is a beautiful day to create goals for your life, health and spiritual growth. You deserve to live in joy, to feel self-love and certainly, to know you ARE good enough…you are GREAT!
Here are some resources that have truly helped me on my path to recovery, including bringing acceptance, joy and self-love into my life: