What are your triggering events? I had one today — after several weeks of feeling very peaceful and content — it came out of nowhere! Here’s what happened. I was working on three different projects today for my business — all online. I started to have trouble with two of my online projects — things were not working, no matter how many alternatives I tried. This brought me back to the days when I was in my corporate job and I’d get really frustrated when I wanted to do something, but couldn’t for some reason — I hit a roadblock.
Pet Peeve
I spent hours trying to fix these projects and kept getting more & more frustrated — and finally, angry. I felt like yelling and throwing things, my body was heated and I felt a sense of wanting to explode inside. Why couldn’t it just work so I could stop wasting my time?????? Somewhere in the back of my mind, I felt the trigger — I knew that this was just the kind of thing that would get me running into the kitchen for binge food. My biggest pet peeve is not being able to do something I want to do — and most of the time, if I want to do it, I want to do it NOW!!! It feels like being a child and wanting to have a tantrum because I want something and my parents said no. In fact, our minds are so funny that way — I’m sure it has something to do with my frustration as a child when I couldn’t do what I wanted to do.
Awareness
The little inner dialogue started to happen, almost before I became aware of it…what’s in the kitchen? Now, since I have been in recovery this time around, my body has felt so good that I started immediately to focus on that. I knew that if I wanted to continue to feel good, I needed to disconnect from my frustration — so I left the house and went for a walk.
Lately, on my walks, I have been focusing on bringing joy into my life. I just feel the sun and the sky pouring joy into my body. It’s not quite a meditation walk, but I actually smile and look around me — feeling the joy enter my whole body. When I do this, I start to feel happy and any problems I have seem to melt away. Typically, after the first 15 minutes of the walk, I am truly feeling happy! Give this a try sometime and see how it works for you. Exercise releases endorphins, which can enhance your mood — so if you combine this physical process with brining joy into your body, imagine what can happen?
What Helped
What helped me was that first level of awareness — I realized that I was starting down the path of relapse. I became aware of this BEFORE my mind got into a power struggle of good vs. evil. I bypassed that power struggle and decided to get out of the house for my joy walk. And it worked. This time on my walk, I focused on all the things about recovery that I’m grateful for: my body feels stronger, I feel better all around, my mind is at peace, I am happy, my health is getting better each day, I get to have my full day for living, I sleep better, etc. Instead of focusing on potentially bingeing or not getting my projects done, I focused on what I love about recovery. That was the big difference. I love recovery enough to want to stick with this good feeling — so for today, my spirit won. And I can only look at every day as this one day.
Acceptance
Now about this pet peeve of mine — being angry when there’s a roadblock? It’s because I’m not accepting what is. And here I thought I really understood what Eckhart Tolle says — whenever you don’t accept what is, there is suffering. Well, here is a great lesson in the application of acceptance in the face of my pet peeve. I was so busy wanting it to be different than it was, that I got angry and my body went into stress mode. What would it have been like if I just put it aside, asked my husband for help (he gets some of this online stuff more than I do) and went out for my joy walk? Wouldn’t that have been more pleasant? Maybe I could have worked on something else or used the time to read & have fun instead of beating my head against a wall? Um hmmmm, I forgot all about acceptance when my pet peeve reared its ugly head.
Gratitude
So today I am grateful for this lesson. Number 1, I was aware of what was happening in my mind and body — and I broke the chain before it became an issue. Hooray for that! Number 2, I learned that when I don’t accept my current situation (what is), I end up suffering. Now if I can combine my awareness with acceptance, imagine how powerful that can be? I could stop what I’m doing and maybe play for a little while — and still feel good! I am very grateful for today’s lesson because it will help me get better at coping with stress in healthy ways. I realize now that I have a choice in how I’m going to cope — but I don’t want to feel like I am just “coping” through life. I’d rather choose awareness & acceptance, so that I can live my life in a peaceful, joyful way. Now there’s a goal to work towards! 
