I’ve had my ups and downs with telling others about having bulimia. I did tell a few people in college, but never really felt good about telling them. I told my parents, but that wasn’t the greatest experience either. So I learned not to tell anyone, thinking perhaps that telling people was just one big mistake. I even cocealed bulimia from my husband for over a decade! Now I realize my mistake — it was not that I shouldn’t tell people, it was knowing my motives for telling them & knowing how to ask for what I needed. Here’s what I learned….I am including actions for you to consider as well.
Telling Others – Mistakes I Made & What I’d Do Differently
When I told a few friends in college that I had bulimia, I don’t think I was clear about my motives for telling them. In some cases, I think I thought it would make me closer to them. In other cases, I thought they might have an eating disorder too — and that they’d share with me. And finally, I thought telling them would be a way to explain what I thought was “irrational behavior” on my part.
I never told any of my college friends about bulimia because I wanted help. Each of the reasons I mentioned above were meant to get something that had nothing to do with help. And in fact, I never seemed to get the outcome that I had aimed for. This is what made telling people so disappoinging to me. It wasn’t the telling, however — it was my motives that were out of alignment.
Telling My Parents
This was a challenge — I thought I’d get a lot of love, help and support from my parents. I thought telling them would make everything better, but I was again disappointed. My parents took my confession very seriously — they probably did many of the things concerned, caring parents would do. They learned about eating disorders, joined a parents support group, got me appointments with a therapist and dentist, etc. During this time, I felt stifled and I felt like there was something horribly wrong with me — I hated that feeling. Instead of feeling like I was a whole person, who needed to learn better ways to cope with stress & my life, I felt like a lost cause, a failure and a burden.
If I had it to do over again, I would find a therapist I liked and talk with them first (actually I’d ask my current coach, Christopher Coulson — anyone who wants to tell their parents, I highly recommend him as someone to help with this process!). Before talking to my parents, I’d work with my coach to identify how I wanted things to be once my parents knew. We could outline what I needed from them (he could help me clarity this, if I wasn’t sure) and in this way, they would know how to navigate what must be a scary confession from their child. Then I would tell my parents with my coach. I think that having an intermediary who understands eating disorders, knows that we are whole people in need of new skills and knows how to work with concerned parents is a BIG help. So again, it was not a mistake to tell my parents, it just would have been more successful if I’d had some help.
Telling Others As An Adult
So, as you know, I did not tell my husband, but I knew I needed help. So 4 years ago, I found a team of (unrelated) health professionals whom I liked and worked with them. You can read about who I picked and why in this post. This time, I knew what I was looking for — people who treated me as a whole human being who needed to get some areas of my life in order. Each of them did treat me this way, which gave me a whole new experience about telling people. I felt empowered and I could sense that each of them liked me and did not judge me, which was a tremendous help.
In fact, one well-known eating disorders coach I interviewed said “You should be in treatment & getting medical care, I can’t just coach you!” Well, as a thirty-something, this reminded me of the reaction my parents had when I was 19. I was completely turned off by this woman and did not hire her. To imagine that in less than 15 minutes of conversation (and her not knowing that all my medical tests were excellent, thanks to my medical, health & coach team) — she judged me in that way — was was very disempowering. This is part of the reason I’d like to add eating disorders coaching to my practice — there aren’t enough good coaches (like Christopher) out there. Remember that you are a smart, capable person — and you deserve a non-judgmental, caring professional who knows how to support your health in mind, body & spirit.
Your Actions – Telling Others
This is a great week to commit to your recovery — since it’s National Eating Disorders Awareness Week in the US (unitl March 4th), there are a lot of information, activites and articles out there about eating disorders. With this proliferation of information, it may be easier to get resources for the people you tell.
Steps:
- Identify who you’d like to tell – create your support team. This could be friends, family and/or medical or health professionals, etc.
- Identify WHY you want to tell each person — what are your motives? Outline these motives.
- Decide if your motives are to justify what you consider to be strange behavior or truly to get help. If you feel the need to justify your behavior, you may want to get help in other ways before taking this step. People often forget the past, especially as you make changes in your life and they see you in different lights. In other cases, they may not even have noticed what you considered to be “strange behavior.” Remember that many of us with eating disorders are hypersensitive to everything and think we are the reason for negative reactions (when it might be something entirely different).
- Identify how you want them to help or support you. Help is different from support. Help is getting them to take actions to guide you on the road to recovery. Support is just listening, caring and being there for you. Many people you tell may be confused about how to support you — you know best what you want from them. In your ideal world, what would they be doing to help or support you? Come up with a list for each person. This way, when you tell them, you can be clear with your needs. Be realistic on what you’re asking for from friends — they may be best at supporting, but not at helping — especially if they don’t know anything about eating disorders.
- Be prepared to give them information about eating disorders. They may not know anything about them — and they may feel overwhelmed about how to best support you. When you share information with them, include things that help family and friends know how to provide support. Keep in mind that your telling them exactly what you need from them is the best guidance of all.
- Consider getting guidance from a coach or therapist before telling others — if you’d like help with the process of communicating this information. It can be scary or difficult to know how to tell people about an eating disorder. Having a professional to bounce ideas off of and organize thoughts can be very comforting.
- Plan what you will say and how you will say it – based on each of the steps you’ve just completed.
- Make sure the timing is right – both of you are relaxed and have plenty of time to discuss it at your own pace. It’s best to avoid crowded places and rushed situations — so that you can get closure on the conversation without distractions.
- Let them know how you’d like to talk about this in the future and that you’d like them to keep it confidential. If it’s a friend or family member, you may want to point them to a person or people who know — and who can advise them as a supporter of you (if they need someone to talk to). There are several online communities and in-person support groups for friends & family. This is a better outlet for them than having them tell people you don’t want to know because they aren’t sure what to do.
- Consider having a follow-up discussion after you’ve told the person (or people) – especially with friends and family, it might help to have a follow up discussion to check in on how everyone is doing regarding what you’ve asked of them. Consider giving them a chance to absorb what you’ve told them, learn about eating disorders and share with you how they feel about what you’ve told them.
Other Thoughts
I never had anyone reject me or stop being my friend after telling them. If this happens, the person is either not a true friend or perhaps just very uncomfortable with situations where they are out of their comfort zone. You deserve to have friends who are able to risk going out of the comfort zone and you will find people willing to do this. Most of real life ends up out of the comfort zone anyway.
Telling My Husband & Tips for Significant Others
I told my husband about having bulimia about 5 months ago. Prior to that, I had always been a fiercely independent, extremely capable and on the surface successful leader. This is how he saw me and in our relationship, I was more of the caregiver. I didn’t know what to expect from telling him, but for the first time, I had a true desire to let him know. I think that is when I took the final steps in my recovery.
His reaction completely surprised me. He put his arms around me, hugged me and told me that I must be relieved to share my secret. He told me that he loved me more than ever. It really opened my heart and brought us closer. Things were not perfect, though — because as hindsight is 20-20, I didn’t even know what help or support I needed from him. I didn’t know HOW to ask him for help. He didn’t know HOW to help me, because not only had I not asked, but I was always so strong that he didn’t even think of me needing help.
So here’s what we did:
- We checked in every now and then to discuss how I felt.
- I told him I didn’t know how to ask him for help, but I knew I wanted it.
- I told him I didn’t want to be stifled, watched or judged if I had a relapse & explained the recovery process.
- Eventually, I realized what I was missing most was nurturing — so I asked him to do something nice for me every day — a shoulder massage, rub my head, massage my face (aching cheeks, jaw), etc.
- I asked for more help with things that I usually did like superwoman (where he had learned to kick back and relax while I did it all).
- I explained how I wanted to spend my days, that I wanted to ease up on my schedule and organize our lives in a simpler way.
- I asked for help in supporting me if we were in situations where I could relapse (e.g., if we were out with people and it was getting late & I was hungry, we’d leave so my blood sugar could be stabilized, not sharing spaces with people since I need my own space/hotel room, etc.).
The more clear I was about what I needed, the better my husband became at supporting me. Husbands may not naturally know what to do — just like friends may not know. Especially if you seem like a strong, capable, health & on top of the world person. If you are like me and typically don’t ask for help — and don’t seem like you even need it — people aren’t always sure how to get involved in your recovery.
I don’t have any NEDAW activities in my local area — and since I’d like to take part somehow, here is my offer to you: If anyone out there wants to talk or e-mail about strategies for telling someone or others in their lives about an eating disorder, feel free to contact me: Heather@TranscendBulimia.com. I’d be happy to talk via phone or e-mail with you on your ideas and some options. As a coach, I am constantly working with my clients on confidential matters of this nature, so all conversations are just between us.
Love to all,
Heather
