I find myself wondering sometimes, how long can this last? It’s just a tiny whisper that I catch myself thinking every now and then. Because there have been many times over the past 4 years, where I’ve been recovered for varying lengths of time and then relapsed. In each relapse, I have learned some very valuable lessons, which have helped me strengthen my commitment to recovery.

So what happens in my mind when the whisper snakes its way into my brain? As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, the big difference about my recovery in this stage is that I am so aware of my thinking. I have been catching this thought, as I have with others – although there is a bit of a difference with this one. I sometimes have a small kernel of fear surrounding it. Fear about not wanting to go back into that dark hole of bulimia.

How To Stop The Fear
I’ve been curious about this thought process and the small amount of fear that surrounds it. I am catching the thought and the fear – and here is what I have been doing with it. At first, I would catch the though, feel the fear and then tell myself to focus on just this one day. Just as we’ve heard in other philosophies of recovery from addiction, this one day at a time mantra really does help. It’s much easier to get through this one day than to wonder what the next week, month or year will look like.

As the thought continued to find it’s way into my mind on occasion, I began to realize that what happens will happen. This isn’t a statement about apathy or giving up, quite the contrary. This is a statement of trust. If I trust that the process of life supports me and that I am empowered to take the best care of myself, then that’s all I can do. If I am committed to my self-care, I have done the best I can. I fully expect that life will present new challenges for me. The travel challenge was one that I successfully managed recently – although it’s a process I’m familiar with. What happens when life hands me a challenge I’ve never faced before?

I could spend my time worrying about that – things like death of a loved one, divorce or any other tragedy – or I could just trust that I am doing the best I can for myself. This is very comforting – accepting whatever life will bring my way, rather than fearing it. I used to do a lot of “what if-ing,” which led to fear if the consequences were imagined to be “bad.” Now, I catch myself what if-ing and stop the thoughts immediately. I’ve realized it is not only a waste of time to analyze every possible scenario and consequence, but it only results in worry and fear.

Past, Present, Future
Eckhart Tolle, in The Power of Now and A New Earth, talks about the importance of being in “the now” or the present. I have been practicing this for years and at first, it seemed almost impossible. The idea is that all we really have is now – the present, yet our thoughts are often focused on past events or future possibilities. In this way, we can be going about our daily lives, while our brains are full of thoughts…about yesterday or tomorrow. In this way, we miss what we are doing – and even miss the beauty of life. In fact, we spend a lot of wasted energy because we can’t DO anything in the past or the future. I can’t go back in time and take action in an event that occurred yesterday – I could fix a misunderstanding that happened yesterday, but I’d be doing it today. I can’t take action in the future – I can PLAN some type of action.

So when I am DOING anything – taking action – it is always in the now. How does this impact recovery? Any thought I have about my recovery lasting is a future thought. In order to influence the future, I can make plans and I can take action. The actions I am taking happen in the now – and that is all I can DO anything about.

Here’s how it works for me:

  • Future: If there is something coming up in the future, like a long trip, I can plan ahead for how to take care of myself for that trip (as I did in the travel preparation for my recent trip).
  • Past: If anything went wrong, instead of beating myself up about it (it already happened), I can take lessons learned from the trip. In the now, I can write them in my journal so that they will help me the next time I travel – or in a similar circumstance.
  • Now: The key in the now, is to focus on the now – how can I be or what action can I take now. Spending time in the past or the future, takes me out of the now – out of life. Life happens in the now. Thoughts happen in the past or the future.

If Not Now, When?
Do you want to spend your time in your head, in thoughts? Or would you rather live – in the now? I have worked with many clients on this topic and seen lives change dramatically. For example, a client who felt she never had time with her kids realized that when she was with them, she was always THINKING about work, making dinner or some past/future event. She was not focused on the kids, what they were saying, putting a ribbon in their hair, the beauty of a smile. She was on autopilot and going through the motions – like her kids were just one more responsibility to check off the list.

Recovery Overwhelm
I did this in my recovery in the beginning. My thoughts were always on the past – past failures and the future – future fear of relapse. I would go through the motions of recovery actions, like they were burdens or responsibilities to check off the list. I found that I was always in a hurry, overworked and overwhelmed with recovery actions – and how to fit them into my life. I multi-tasked – doing several things at once – while my mind was full of past/future thoughts. I used to have little accidents, like bumping into things, stubbing my toes – even burning myself – minor burns from a finger grazing a hot pan or the iron. My mind was so full, that I wasn’t even paying attention enough to not hurt myself. Think about it – my brain was too full…to not hurt myself.

Recovery In The Now
When I started focusing on the now, what was happening in each moment, I got more done. Studies have shown that multi-tasking actually reduces effectiveness and productivity overall. This was true for me as I found I could get more done – and enjoy myself while doing it – if I just did one thing at a time. It helped quiet my noisy mind-chatter, which let me catch my thoughts better. Over time, things became much more manageable for me. I stopped having those little accidents. Now if I do have little accidents like this, I realize it’s because I’m trying to multi-task in thought and action – and I slow down.

Relieving Pressure
This kind of thinking, this staying in the now, supports the philosophy of taking things one day at a time. Practicing this way of thinking – or really, this way of “being,” allows me to remove the pressure I used to feel about lasting recovery. I don’t have to worry about the future, I just need to take care of myself in the now – and plan for the future. My mind is freed to focus on bringing joy into my life. You’ve heard me talk in previous posts about this joy I feel now – it comes from allowing it into my life. I cultivate thoughts of gratefulness and feelings of joy. I replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts. It is a constant practice, although it does not feel like work. It gets easier and easier, until it becomes part of my nature. This joy is our true essence, what remains when we peel away the layers of past negative conditioning.

Your Actions

  • What are you thinking right now?
  • Are your thoughts about the past? The future?
  • What would it be like if you focused on every detail of what is happening in this moment?
  • What would it be like to focus on every action you are taking right now?
  • Consider past actions that bother you as ways to identify lessons learned.
  • If you find your thoughts on the past, practice releasing thoughts where you beat yourself up about the past or relive the past over and over.
  • If you find yourself focused on the future, consider using your thoughts to plan how to care for yourself in future situations.
  • If you are worrying about the future, see if you can release those thoughts and trust that the actions and plans you make now are the best you can do to prepare for the future.
  • Try this for a week and see what happens. Try it for longer. How does your energy change?
  • Write what you learned in your journal.

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