As many of you know, my husband is putting a post into my blog tomorrow to answer all of the questions we received over the past week. Last night, we stayed up really late talking about our relationship. I married him with bulimia — and as you may have read — it got worse in marriage than it had been prior. Over the years, I think we didn’t get to connect in ways that would make our relationship right for me. And while I knew that there were things that weren’t fulfilling my needs to feel loved, I didn’t understand how to ask for them. Mostly I think, because I felt so unloveable and didn’t even know what I needed.
Focusing On Myself For The First Time
In this stage of my recovery, I have been very focused on my self-development. I have been giving myself extreme self care and nurturing a growing joy inside of myself. In this place, I am starting to feel very stable and grounded — very solid and connected to the Earth and others. From my husband’s point of view, I did not seem as “happy.” Before my recovery, “happy” meant me putting on a smile even when I was not happy. It meant the highs I felt from the excitement of some food I’d be ready to binge on. It meant the high of workaholism — my socially acceptable and financially rewarding addiction. It was so easy to go to those places because I wanted to feel the high, the “happiness” I’d get from them.
Inner Peace vs. Outer Happiness
Now, the joy I feel is an inner peace, rather than a happiness that comes from external things. At the same time, my husband and I are addressing this new territory in our relationship — me asking for what I need. I want more from our relationship, while he is really happy with things as they are. This is going to require some challenges on his part to change. It’s scary. For both of us. Some of the changes will require him to face some painful past conditioning in his life. Neither of us know where this part of our journey will take us.
Connected To The Earth
And yet, I still feel stable, strong and grounded. I love my husband and he loves me — and we are committed to taking the journey together. This is not about an Eating Disorder, although the fact that I am recovered means that parts of me are changing. I am finally facing everything in my life I used to be afraid of — which includes asking for what I need in our relationship. With a 50- 60% divorce rate, I know that relationships fall apart for many reasons. This eating disorder, my recovery — I am seeing this as an opportunity for us to awaken to what’s possible for us. It was an awakening for me — an opening of the door to joy, presence and peace. For our relationship, it will be the same.
Commitment & Getting Help
Last night, as we fought sleep to communicate more than we ever have before, we committed to our marriage. We are grateful for facing the dark corners that neither of us wanted to address out of fear. We reaffirmed that we want to be with each other, which means we walk the path of change together. We both think it would be helpful to work with my coach together, so we can navigate this path back to each other — shining the light in all the dark corners. Eckhart Tolle says to “use our relationship as our presence practice” and this is our opportunity.
For This I’m Grateful
Last night, as my husband fell asleep, I realized…my love for myself is sustaining. I feel perfect, whole and complete within myself, which means I feel able to face any challenge — even if I had to face it alone. I am so grateful that he wants to face it with me. That he too, sees this as an opportunity to create a joyful marriage that fulfills us both.
Tomorrow, he will answer all of your questions and give his point of view on what this experience has meant in his life and for our marriage. I wasn’t going to write until after he posted, but I feel a profound sense of love — from the inside — and back out. I really didn’t know how to love, or what to ask for, until I loved myself. Now I know. And I’m ready to move forward.
For You, I’m Grateful
Thank you for reading my blog — I am grateful to all of you for your time, your comments, your e-mails, your calls, your questions — and above all, for being the eyes and hearts that I am sharing my words with.
With great love,
Heather
Bulimia has been a fixture for about half my life and I’m now in my late 30s. I find myself intrigued by the fact that women (and men I suppose) suffering badly from bulimia can maintain relationships. My own have been shortlived and very unsatisfactory thanks to the disorder. My friendships have also been affectedly badly by it. Most of the time I feel extremely isolated. I am now beginning to recover and I would like to know if other sufferers have experienced the same isolation and, even more, I want to know if and how they overcame it.
R
Comment by Rose — November 5, 2006 @ 9:36 pm
Hi Rose, I can understand why you’d feel the way you do. For me, on the surface, I always had good friendships — but underneath, not feeling loveable made me feel isolated, unloved and misunderstood in general. This was true in my marriage too, even though I thought of my husband as my best friend. I had to let go of my negative thoughts about myself and learn to love myself before I could really feel loved by others. I’m sure I became more loving too — instead of a perfectionist care taker
, like I used to be.
One thing that helped me learn to love myself — was to start feeling and acting like I did. By taking care of myself, setting personal boundaries and dropping many of my perfectionist ways. All of this happened little by little, but with each thing I gave up, I felt better and better.
Consider bringing the energy of self-love — what would it feel like? How can you feel that way for 10 minutes, then 15, then 20, etc. each day? What would you be doing if you truly loved and appreciated yourself? How would you be feeling? Start there and see what happens. You are worth it!
With love,
Heather
Comment by Heather — November 8, 2006 @ 8:52 pm