Thank you to everyone who submitted questions for my husband to answer. I compiled them all so that he could answer each of them, below. I will monitor the comments section in case you have any follow up questions for him.

What did you think when I told you about having bulimia?
I was a little confused because there were a number of conflicting feelings. But, I would say there were two or three strongest feelings that emerged. For one, I felt a little hurt because I thought what kind of horribly shallow and stupid person must I be? I didn’t notice or put the pieces together to figure this out on my own – a failure on my part? And, why wouldn’t you want to confide in me. You’ve struggled with this for so long and yet you didn’t feel like telling me? Is it that I’m incapable of helping – still doesn’t make me feel like much of a partner though. If I don’t, in fact, have the capacity to help, that doesn’t make me feel great either.

Further competing feelings were empathy and simultaneous joy for you. I wanted to hug you and kiss you there on that trail until we both collapsed from fatigue. I felt joy for you because I can’t imagine holding something like this in by yourself and carrying this burden around all these years. Letting go of this guilt around the secrecy must have liberated you beyond words. While I felt empathetic that you carried this around for so long, I wanted to cry for the feeling of joy, or relief that had to be overwhelming at that moment. You were finally able to share this burden with me.

Did you feel pressure in any way?
I felt pressure to pay closer attention to your eating habits and behaviors around food.

Did you feel like you had to “fix” it in some way?
I do – it’s my nature. Men want to fix things. And, we hate not being able to fix things. I know you have to fix this on your own and it’s simply going to be there in the room with us at meal time. But, I know you can do it. You’ve already done quite a bit in this lifetime. This is doable – I know because I’m watching you kick it every day.

What did you think about me?
I admired you and still do for trying to kick this on your own. But, I do wish I’d been brought into the loop sooner. I think it would have been easier on both of us as it would have explained a lot of behavior. And, you wouldn’t have been torn up by the burden of maintaining so much secrecy. I still feel a little foolish for not being able to figure this out and not being worthy or trusted enough to confide in.

Did you have any desires or expectations for me to be thin? Forever?
None. I didn’t fall in love with you because of your waist size. I am not with you today because of your weight, size or the color of your hair. I’m with you for keeps: happy or sad; tall or short; fat or thin. I’m not exactly getting thinner with age – in case you haven’t noticed. If I measure you by a ruler I’m not willing to measure myself by, I would be a hypocrite and you deserve better.

What if I gained weight, what would you think?
I doubt I would even notice. My love for you is not based on your physical appearance. And, I’m hoping you’ll apply the same logic to me. The body is just a vessel for our soul/spirit/essence. Real men don’t pay attention to sizes, weight, or numbers on clothing tags. This is meaningless information.

Did you love me less when you learned about the ED? Were you afraid?
I loved you more and still do. I admire you for triumphing against the disorder. I was afraid until you explained it to me. I’m glad you explained it quickly in those first few minutes – that helped. I was afraid I was going to lose you because I thought you could die from having an eating disorder.

Where can you turn for support, if necessary?
I’m not sure where to turn for support. I’m not sure I need it anymore but I have found a forum where I’ve been reading a little. This past weekend, Heather & I agreed that it would be helpful to both of us to share her coaching sessions. This will allow both of us to face issues in our marriage that might contribute to addiction or not communicating as well as we could.

Do you struggle with understanding the eating disorder?
I do sometimes. I struggle to understand what would compel someone to have an eating disorder and the nature of eating disorders. Food does not mean much to me. I eat because I have to, so it is hard to understand the careful selection and preparation of foods required to stay healthy when battling ED.

Do you ever become embarrassed by it or by the necessity for my self-care?
I do get embarrassed sometimes – not because Heather had an ED, but because of the different way that she eats to heal her digestion. It is not mainstream, which makes it difficult in restaurants or at meals with my family. We all have our moments of shallow self-absorption – and I’m no different. But, it happens less and less. I’m getting accustomed to the routine and I know Heather is getting better at making it simple and transparent for everyone around her. The reality is that everyone, from restaurants to my family and our friends, understands about food allergies. So many people we know are allergic to wheat and sugar that it is more and more common. Heather does not talk about her ED when explaining her food requirements, she talks about digestive repair. The interesting thing is that most people want to know more – and that’s when they tell her that their sister, mother – or even they themselves – have celiac disease or some other digestive issue. Then they ask her about 100 questions and are really interested in all of the research she has done.

Do you ever wish you didn’t have to be careful and aware about my eating, rest, etc, because this makes your life more difficult or awkward?
I’m getting accustomed to the routine. I know it’s a lot of work for Heather to make everything easy for us to do what normal folks do: travel, eat out, eat on the road. But, she makes it happen and I’m frequently surprised at how well prepared she is these days for the difficulties of some of these activities. It’s a real challenge for us at times but it’s getting easier.

Do you ever become frustrated or resentful and if so, how do you deal with this?
Yes and yes. But, I think these times are fewer and fewer. I’m trying to be more helpful and compassionate as opposed to impatient and self-absorbed. Don’t listen to what Heather says – I’m getting better :) .

How do you keep your own boundaries in place?
For better or worse – my boundaries are probably safely in place, like I said earlier, I recognize I’ve been a little self-absorbed in our relationship. My challenge is working with Heather’s boundaries and trying to be helpful where conflicts exist.

Do you ever feel threatened, engulfed or drawn into the eating disorder and the effort that recovery takes, or drained by supporting me?
Sometimes. I’m not perfect. There are times that Heather wants to read a blog entry to me or discuss something she learned and I feel depressed just listening to it. This comes from my feeling of needing to fix things. It also comes from my desire to keep things light and fun, which I’m working on. Heather and I have discussed that sometimes, “being there” for her means just listening, but not needing to fix the problem. Heather has also explained to me that she is happier than she’s ever been, so being able to talk about these things are not “bad” or “depressing,” but actually a way to understand what’s been going on with her.

Still, it can be sad to think about. I know I need to step outside myself to support her though, so it’s also going to take a change in perspective on my part. The perspective that she’s overcome disordered eating, rather than a perspective of the topics being sad. I also recognize that I am responsible for my emotions around it – so even if she was still struggling, I’d be really sad and surely, drained at times. But the fact that I love her means that I learn to deal with my own emotions so that I can be there for her. Also, getting coaching will be helpful for me. I think getting help is as important for a significant other/spouse/family member as it is for the person with an addiction.

Do you ever find it difficult to separate me from the eating disorder?
No, I still see her as the person I loved when I married her.

Has it been hard to come to terms with the ‘loss’ of the previous persona you presented to him- someone outwardly confident, self-sufficient and capable?
There has been no “loss” of the outwardly confident, self-sufficient and capable person. Overall, her personality is the same and she’s the same person. From the perspective of the ED, she owns the recovery challenge every day and has for a very long time. She’s the Lance Armstrong of ED. She stays ahead of it – always planning a few days in advance so it’s not as hard today. I did feel like there was a change in how outwardly happy she appeared to be, which confused me. She always seemed so incredibly happy and there was this change, where she seemed less happy with me, in particular. Now I know it’s because she was confronting dysfunctional areas of our relationship, when before, she may not have addressed them.

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