I got a comment on my blog last night that was deleted mistakenly when I was removing those fabulous SPAM bot comments that often try to sneak in. The comment stopped me for a moment, because I didn’t know what to say. How do I respond? And yet, this comment requires a response, because it’s a real-life situation. At the same time, I had a few e-mails from people who wanted to take the step to tell someone, but were not sure what the outcome would be. I’ll address both of these in this post.

The comment was: “My husband was disgusted when I told him about my bulimia.” This is our fear, isn’t it? This is what keeps us locked inside ourselves, afraid to tell anyone. We don’t want people to be disgusted with us, do we? We want to be strong, smart, responsible, beautiful – to be perfect. After all, those of us with eating disorders tend to be perfectionists and overachievers. We are smart, strong, responsible and beautiful – yet, we often take this to extremes because we’re never good enough.

And that’s the key, isn’t it? When someone tells us we are disgusting because of something we do, they validate our worst fear. That we are not good enough. And yet, in recovery, one of the most important things to do is to fully accept yourself – as the human being you are. Human beings have a mix of light and dark. In other words, we are not perfect – none of us.

Embracing Imperfections
Part of recovery is embracing our imperfections. Loving them – and loving ourselves so much, that no one else’s disgust, disappointment, disapproval or anger can shake that. It is creating unconditional love for ourselves that allows us to TRUST that no matter what happens and no matter what others think, we will be okay.

Questions To Ask Yourself
I want to acknowledge the person who put in the comment about her husband being disgusted. I want to acknowledge you for your courage in telling him. I want to acknowledge you for your courage in sharing his disgust. I have several questions to ask you – and anyone else who may be afraid to tell someone (as I was).

  • What’s the worst that could happen if you tell your family/friend/significant other?
  • Write this down and really look at your answer.
  • If the worst thing you imagine happens, how will you feel?
  • What is the best thing that could happen?
  • If the best thing happens, how will you feel?
  • What are some other good things that can come from telling – from reaching out?
  • How is it serving you in your life – to worry about what others think?

My Answers To The Questions
Here is how I personally felt, when deciding to tell my husband.

  • Worst Thing: He thinks less of me and decides he doesn’t want to be with such a screwed up person anymore. We get divorced. If this happened, I would feel terrible and a bit lost at first. Yet, I wonder, do I want to be with someone who does not accept me in good times and bad? Isn’t that what marriage is all about? I know I would help him if he had an addiction or something bad happened to him. Would I want to be with someone who would drop me the moment a challenge came into our relationship? What if I got cancer or anything else happened? If he can’t support me in this, would he even support me in that? What does that say about him as a person? Don’t I deserve to have someone who I know will be there for me? Isn’t this the way I can find out?

  • Best Thing: He loves me even more, he starts to notice me more, he nurtures and helps me more, he really understands me, we become more honest with each other, our relationship gets better, I feel unconditionally loved for the first time, I can stop hiding, I have someone to talk to, to help me. If this happens, I will feel truly loved and supported for probably the first time ever in my life. I will feel freer, more grounded in our relationship. Other walls will come down, because if he accepts this big dark secret, he will accept me being less than perfect in other areas of my life as well – that is freeing! So the other good thing that can happen is that he and I can create a really wonderful, lasting and nurturing relationship. He may start to address his issues as well – especially when he sees the courage I have to voice mine. We will learn to communicate better too. We can always get help with this if we need it.

  • Worrying about what others think: this is not serving me at all. I thought it would make me seem better, more responsible, more successful, but it doesn’t. I feel pressured to always be the best in every situation. I can’t control what others do, say or think about me. I can think I’m being perfect and the person still doesn’t think so. It’s draining. Wouldn’t it be great if I could just be me? Just stop caring what others thought? I would feel so free. It’s not that the pressure makes me be a better person – I’m still the same person, just with a lot of pressure to be perfect.

It Takes Courage
As a former executive in the corporate world, I have seen many faces of courage. The best leaders had courage – and one of the qualities of great leaders is the ability to be imperfect. They know where they have strengths – and just as important – they know where they have weaknesses. They surround themselves with people who can help them with their weaknesses, so that overall, they are strong. They know they can’t do it alone. And they are imperfect. They admit their mistakes and their weaknesses. They tell their teams and peers when they need help and they clearly define what they need help with.

When you – the strong, smart, responsible, beautiful person – tell someone you need help, you are expressing courage. Yes, it feels bad to us when we like to be perfect. It feels like we are big failures. And yet, taking this step is possibly the greatest testament to our courage. We are willing to accept whatever the person’s response will be. And guess what? We can’t CONTROL their response. We are willing to take a risk for an outcome we can’t control. Great leaders do this every day. Sometimes the response is not what you’d ultimately want. The key is, are you ready to love yourself unconditionally, regardless of what others think? This is not something that makes us failures, it actually is a step toward our success. Remember, great leaders get help when they need it – I encourage you to get help from a recovery professional (coach, therapist, counselor, etc.) who can support you in developing unconditional love for yourself, so that when you take this step, you have support.

Know What You Want
So you’ve decided to tell a family member, friend or significant other. What outcome are you looking for in telling them? What do you want from them? Define it. Write it down. Read the post and action steps I wrote in my Telling Others – The What and The How post. Talk to your recovery professional about ideas and options.

What Worked For Me
Okay, from other posts, you already know that I had some ups and downs with telling people in my past. And it took me awhile to really know what I needed from my husband. So here’s what I asked for:

Do’s

  • Ask me questions about how I’m FEELING and how I’m doing in my day.
  • Nurture me – think of ways you can show your love & support. Here are some things that would be really nice: ask me what you can do for me, shoulder & neck massage, hold my hand, hug me, etc.
  • Listen to me – really listen, without trying to give me advice or fix me. Just hear me and ask questions if you don’t really understand what I mean. If you have ideas, write them down after we talk and then come to me with your ideas later on. When I’m talking about how I feel, I just want you to listen – to empathize.
  • Notice me – notice how I respond to our interactions, what stresses me out, what makes me truly happy, when I seem peaceful. Notice the things that seem to trigger me vs. the things that I respond well to. Talk to me about them in a loving, understanding way. Get to know how I feel and why.
  • Distract me – if I seem stressed or if I am behaving in ways that seemed like they’d result in a binge from your past experience, help distract me. Talk to me, suggest we go for a walk, help me with something, suggest going to a movie – anything that will be fun and take my mind off of the stress or struggle I may be having. If I do not accept, remember the part about not trying to fix me. :)
  • Help me with responsibilities – you know I tend to take on too much. Recovery actions take time and are my first priority. Help me take things off my list of responsibilities around the house. Maybe we can hire someone to help out for awhile if we are both too busy to get things done. Maybe we just accept that everything doesn’t get done. Support me in this being okay. You know I hate asking for help – just doing something to help me or asking what you can do (it helps if you SEEM like you WANT to :) !) is important.
  • Learn about ED – learn what you can about eating disorders, addiction and the recovery process. Learn what others are doing to support their loved ones.
  • Get support for yourself – talk to me about options for you to get support. Maybe we want to get support together from a coach or therapist. Don’t try to do this alone.

Don’ts

  • Don’t try to fix me. I am capable and committed to fixing myself. I know you feel responsible for me, but I am ultimately responsible for my own recovery. I want you to support me, but not feel a sense of responsibility to make it better or fix it. Anything that feels like you are trying to stop me, force me or otherwise “fix me” is counterproductive. Only I can fix myself.
  • Don’t focus on food or what I’m eating, especially in the moment that I’m eating it. If you notice me eating something I said I didn’t want to, ask me how I’m feeling, how my day is going. Don’t use any judgmental words or tones of voice if you see me eating something I said I wasn’t going to eat (e.g., avoid saying things like, “Should you be eating that?” with a judgmental tone). The act of disordered eating is a symptom of other things amiss. Ask me how I’m feeling in body, mind, spirit. Get me to talk.
  • Don’t watch me like a hawk, time my trips to the bathroom or seem like you are just waiting for me to b/p. Don’t act like you are just waiting for me to have a relapse. If you think I am, talk to me about it afterwards (see the part about listening in the Do’s).
  • Don’t tell your friends, family or anyone that we did not agree together (and in advance) to tell. If you need someone to talk to, let’s agree together on how to get you support. Everyone needs support and I recommend you have someone to talk to (give some options to get started – forums, coach, your therapist, etc.).

Final Thoughts
Life is messy. It’s not perfect. As humans, we run around trying to make things perfect – in our houses, yards and lives. Have you noticed that it takes time and effort to achieve perfection? You cut the grass, trim the trees, spread the mulch – and nature just keeps growing beyond the boundaries. You do the laundry, wash the dishes, clean the house and it gets dirty again. It’s the cycle of life. The only constant is change. And we can’t predict change.

Nor can we predict how people will react when we tell them or what happens in the course of them supporting us over time. The only thing we can control, is how we feel about ourselves. We do this by putting positive, loving thoughts into our minds – through commitment and practice. Once you love yourself, no one can take that away from you.

Telling someone, even though there are risks of what outcome you will get, is a step toward loving yourself. It takes great courage and in many ways, you take on a leadership role in your recovery. You express your vulnerabilities, admit you need help, specifically define what you need help with (the what and how) and commit to the outcome (only you can ultimately fix yourself). Yes, it takes a team to recover – and you, as a leader in your own recovery, own the overall outcome.

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