April involved a lot of travel, which kept me from writing as much as I’d like. The good news is that I have learned a lot on these trips and I’d like to share them with you over the next week. As I write this, looking back on this past month of travel, I am grateful for my focus on self-care as a way to stay in balance. In the past, a month like this would have left me stressed out, tired and drained. It could have been a recipe for relapse, but it wasn’t. In fact, paying attention to self-care allowed me to make different choices than I would have in the past – so that I could get enough sleep, eat healthy meals, drink plenty of water, meditate and exercise. At each juncture, I made decisions based on what would allow me to feel most balanced – throwing out the “shoulds” that I once would have forced myself to do – and choosing a course of action that would lead to peace of mind.
And of course, life does not always work out perfectly, even with the best-laid plans – but the idea is that the scales are tipped toward balance. Being closer to balance, it is easier to make better choices, choices that align with taking care of myself. So now for the first lesson…visiting parents!
Visiting My Parents
I went home to visit my parents a couple of weeks ago and had some new discoveries. In fact, my visit reminded me of a quote – although I forget who said it. It goes something like this: If you want to know how enlightened you are, visit your family. Well isn’t that the truth? 
If you know who said this, let me know!
Overall, I love my parents and feel like I had a pretty good childhood. On the surface, we looked like the perfect, happy family. Behind the scenes, there were many things going on that are classic contributors to addiction. For awhile in college, I felt angry at my parents and then I came to a realization. They were doing the best they could with what they knew. My parents, like many others in their generation, had me when they were young – I can’t imagine trying to bring up kids in my early twenties! If I look behind their actions and behaviors – to their intentions – they were doing the best they could.
Also, I truly believe that the experiences we have in life are there to serve us – in becoming our true essence. Even if these experiences may seem tragic, unfair, scary or otherwise negative, they serve to challenge us to look deep within. The very nature of the pain we feel can serve to awaken us from an “unconscious state” or autopilot – to who we truly are. When pain becomes unbearable, we must choose something different. It seems we’ve all heard countless stories of people going from rock bottom to great happiness from overcoming life’s challenges. With that said, I believe that out of some divine contract, I picked my parents to live out a life challenge that would allow me to discover my true essence, the joy inside of me.
Navigating the Family Dynamic Around Food
Now remember that quote from earlier – even though it seems like I have a good attitude about my parents, I am still challenged by the family dynamic! As soon as I arrived at my parents’ home, the family dynamic kicked in. Over the first couple of days, I was conscious of a feeling of discomfort, a bit like there was a child-like tantrum ready to brew – just under the surface of my calm. What was going on, really?
It came to me when walking with my husband. I was finally seeing what was just below the surface of my family dynamic and some of the contributors to disordered eating. First of all, my mother was and still is, a binge eater. The behavior is there, but the recognition of it is not. How this played out growing up is equating food with excitement. In fact, she was quite good at evoking excitement around food. I can remember how her eyes would light up as she smiled and said, “Want to go to Friendly’s for an ice cream sundae?” or “Let’s have your father go pick up Cadbury eggs!” or some other such adventure. I really don’t remember her expressing so much excitement around anything other than food. It was infectious as a child and I am certain that this is part of the reason I equated food with happiness and excitement.
As I talked all of this out with my husband, I also noted other characteristics around food in my family home. My father also has a binge eating style, although as an athlete, he never had any issues resulting from eating too much. It did mean that my whole family had a strange relationship with food. A lot of what we did revolved around food and there was a lot of periods of “no sugar” or vegetarianism or some other fad entering the household – resulting in on-and-off-the-wagon behavior. It’s not too difficult to imagine that I sensed a lack of control around food, along with food being tied to emotions and needs.
Becoming The Observer
Once I realized this, there was a tremendous shift. It’s not like I didn’t know this on some level before – it’s just that I realized it didn’t have to be ME. Their behavior didn’t have to be my legacy. I became an observer of their behavior, rather than identified by it. It did not have the power to take me over – to become me. In the past, I would look at my sister, my mother, my father, my grandparents – and think that they were the template for who I would become. Some of what I saw was good and some of it scared me. Some of it even disgusted me. And on some level, I had decided that I was destined to move in the same direction – as if I had no control over the course of my life.
This shift was a realization that I was free of that thought – it was just a thought. While I may have certain genetic predispositions, I was still my own person with my own ability to choose my actions and beliefs. Seeing their behaviors as just that – behaviors – allowed me a feeling of freedom. Their behaviors no longer held me in fear. Now I could be at home, surrounded by those behaviors, and just observe them – knowing they were based on beliefs my parents held to be true. While I could choose my own beliefs, express my own behaviors.
Letting Go Of Fear
In letting go of fear – fear that I would end up with those behaviors – I was able to break free of their power over me. The rest of the weekend became easy because I felt strong and grounded in myself. Whenever the behaviors were present, I would go into my inner body and feel it, feel a sense of being deeply grounded. It felt like being full, interestingly enough. Not full from eating a healthy meal, but full in a spiritual sense. Full of peace, full of joy, full of self-love. These are the ingredients for breaking free of fear.
Overall, focusing on self-love can bring a feeling of being grounded in your life. Everything you do to care for yourself is “nourishment.” Our minds, bodies and souls need nourishment on many levels, not just food. It might be a beautiful walk in nature, a fun conversation with a friend or loved one, a nap, meditation, soothing music, beautiful scents, a bath, affirmations, a massage – anything that makes you feel truly good. Once you begin using these self-care routines, you may just find that you have a deeply grounded sense of self-love. This self-love, along with awareness, will keep you centered in almost any situation. It creates the kind of mind-body-spirit harmony that is an antidote to fear.
Your Actions
- If you start to feel a sense of anxiety or unease, take a step back.
- Observe the situation, the behaviors of those around you.
- What underlying thoughts or beliefs are there?
- What fears are you experiencing? Are they you?
- What do you choose for your life?
- How can you express commitment to those choices and let the fear go?
- As you breathe in, see joy and peace enter your body and as you breathe out, see fear and limitations leave your body, transforming into light & love.
- While you do this, focus on your inner body and feel self-love nourishing you.
- Trust this sense of self-love to carry you through any challenge.
- Write what you learned in your journal. How can this help you for next time?
Hi Heather,
Welcome back, and thank you for sharing your family dynamics with us! It makes me think a lot about my own family dynamics and what role food has played in my family as I was growing up. Definitely a very crucial and central one! I completely relate to what you said about equating food with happiness and excitement! On the other hand, it is interesting for me to observe the food dynamics in my husband’s family. When I first went to live with them, one of the things I missed most were the delicious meals that we always enjoyed in my family and that we put a lot of thought and preparation time into. In my husband’s family, people mostly just eat to satiate their hunger. Food isn’t as much of a celebration. That still isn’t the way I would chose to do it in my own family, but I do see one advantage in this approach: my husband didn’t growing up equating food with love the way I did, so, when he’s in search of love, he doesn’t turn to food. Although, now that I think about it, he turns to something of a different nature… namely alcohol. Whether that’s much better… ?
Well, it’s late, and my bed is calling. But I’m glad to have you back, Heather, and look forward to reading more as you continue to post on your blog!
love,
Emily
Comment by Emily — May 2, 2006 @ 1:34 am
Welcome back again from your travels, Heather- it’s fantastic to read your insights again. This particular post came at such an appropriate time for me- my eating , digestive discomfort and body image have been particularly bad over the past week or two, and my self-esteem and self-care have plummeted correspondingly. I’ve found myself locked into old scripts, one of which involves ringing my parents and getting caught up in cyclical and unhelpful conversations with them in which I present myself as an angry and helpless victim of my depression and eating disorder and implicitly expect them to rescue or save me. To parent me like a baby, in fact, when in fact I am thirty three years old and want to develop a robust sense of self-love and to heal myself. Anyway a couple of months ago when feeling much more adult, grounded and hopeful I’d booked an overseas trip for myself and my parents, which we’re embarking on at the end of this week- it’s the first time I’ve travelled abroad with them as an adult and they’re so excited about it, as I’m taking them to the country they were married in and haven’t returned to for 35 years. I so much do not want my eating disorder, negative obsessions, or adolescent reactions to my parents to compromise either my or their experience of the holiday. Your words have been so immensely helpful in reassuring me that I can observe the patterns of family functioning without inevitably getting caught up in them or reproducing them, and that I can take responsibility for my own inner nourishment and needs and live a sane, balanced life.
Thank you so much for the hope that you share- it’s immeasurably valuable.
With much gratitude,
Maya.
Comment by Maya — May 2, 2006 @ 3:58 am
Hi Emily, thanks for your comment — you made some really good points that got me to thinking. How do I view food now, becuase as you said — it’s not just a thing I do to stop my hunger. So here’s what I realized. I now celebrate my sacred connection with food. With each meal, I do a centering meditation where I thank God, the Universe, my higer power, source — whatever you want to call it — for this abundance. I express gratitude for everything it took to get the food to me and I quickly visualize the farmers, nature, the workers and my own cooking — the whole process of it getting to my plate. I then express gratitude for the endless abundance in my life (affirming that there is always enough!). After that, I express thanks for the food being healing to my body, allowing healthy digestion and setting my mind, body and spirit free.
Doing this before every meal makes the experience of eating a sacred celebration. I really enjoy every bite, really focusing on what I am eating. I truly enjoy my food and find it very satisfying. This relationship I have developed with food is beautiful and unlike any I have experienced in the past. I used to eat in front of the TV or computer, multitasking and now I eat consciously, with awareness and gratitude.
So that’s the difference. It’s not excitement, it’s better — it’s joyful gratitude. It’s a deeper, more lasting feeling. I used to feel excitement about the process of eating and then bad once the eating was done. Now I feel deeply grateful for the whole process.
Thanks for a thought provoking comment!
With love,
Heather
Comment by Heather — May 2, 2006 @ 6:21 pm
Maya, Wow — you really have an exciting opportunity ahead to focus on self-love! What a beautiful thing you did by setting up the trip for you and your parents. If you are capable of doing something so loving for them, imagine what loving things you are capable of doing for yourself? Is it possible to make plans to do something to express self love every day of your trip? To have no expectations that you’ll get it from anyone else because what you get from yourself is so complete?
It strikes me that this is going to be an amazing trip of self-discovery for you! Would you consider writing a statement about what you DO want for the trip? How do you want it to go? How do you want to feel? What self-loving things can you incorporate into every day of the trip? Consider writing them all in the present tense, all in the positive — and think of it as if you have a magic wand and anything is possible! Forget about whether it seems realistic and go with what you want!
Anyone who would do such a generous thing — and a beautiful thing — to take your parents back to the country in which they were married — is capable of creating beauty in their own life. I want to acknowledge you for what you are doing, for this challenge you are facing and for the beauty that lies within you. I will be thinking of you while you are on the trip and would love to hear how it goes!
With love,
Heather
Comment by Heather — May 2, 2006 @ 6:28 pm
Deep thanks for your kind, heartening comments and helpful suggestions, Heather. You’ve opened my eyes a little more- I hadn’t perceived myself the way you did, as someone with goodness and beauty within. I’m going to write my positive intentions/hopes for the trip- in the present tense- as you suggest; having not used this technique before, I’ll be keen to report back on how it felt and how things went during the trip. I’ll also try my best to think of self-loving things I can do for myself daily whilst away- embarrassingly, this is a hard one, as it’s still easy to get caught in the old quicksands of body-image negativity when it’s difficult to think I deserve anything of pleasure, or to experience any love for a self and a body that my eating disordered mind views as having failed so shamefully. But I’m learning to watch those thoughts, too, observe them as merely thoughts-not facts- arising from my past and let them go, then nourish myself by focussing on the positive, joyful opportunities in my life. Progress is painful and often slow, but I think I am developing a relationship of more tender trust with myself. I’ll be thinking of you and your readers whilst away, and look forward to returning and letting you know how things went. Take great care of yourself, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support and acknowledgement.
Love,
Maya
Comment by Maya — May 4, 2006 @ 6:18 am
Hi Maya, Hooray — what great energy I felt from reading your comment! Your commitment is wonderful — I love that you are starting to feel that trust. I remember for me, that is was a tiny whisper in the distance — so faint. And yet, I knew I had to follow it. Just that little glimmer of trust, of self-love or of anything positive — hope, calm, peace — that is your true essence coming through. That is what we’ve covered up with all of the negative thoughts we decided to believe in.
Have a wonderful time on your trip, celebrating yourself every day!
With love,
Heather
Comment by Heather — May 5, 2006 @ 11:03 pm
Thanks again, Heather- I’m back from my trip and am so pleased to tell you that it gave me some sacred, precious memories to cherish and also that I learnt so much from it- such as what is crucial to my recovery right now, what my non-negotiables are, how far I’ve come in getting better and how proud I can be of myself, what I can do to self-care more effectively in the future…First and foremost, your suggestion that I write out my vision of how I would like the trip to be was an excellent one, and really, really worked. I wouldn’t have believed this had I not done the exercise whilst I sat at waiting to get on the plane and go and meet my parents. It was an amazingly positive, energizing exercise and by setting that deeply-felt intent and by referring back to my statement every so often throughout the trip I believe it kept me really serene and focussed on my goals for my own attitudes and behaviour. Reading back over it, I am amazed that virtually all of it came true, and exceeded my wildest expectations! I behaved more maturely towards my parents than I have in my life, and really was able to foster a genuine sense of camaraderie and enjoyment with them. I felt myself to be whole and alive and overflowing with blessings and love whilst I travelled around with them and shared the beauty of the country and the excitement of the holiday. The journey round all their old haunts was incredibly moving for all of us- we attended a church service at the sweet, friendly little church in which they were married 37 years ago, and the new minister was even able to forage around in the archives and find the old register containing the record of their marriage and their signatures. Perhaps it’s no coincidence that the text for the service was (and this is from an inaccurate memory) “Do not worry about your body, what you shall eat, or your clothes, what you shall wear; for the Lord knows that you need them.” Given my long history of negative obsessions and preoccupations with my appearance, weight, eating and clothes, this little quotation was a serendipitous reminder that I can trust the Universe and myself that I will be all right, and that obsessing over these things is fruitless.
Even the challenges on the trip were a useful source of information for growth. For about half the time I was staying in a hotel with my parents, and half the time at the homes of various old friends of theirs dotted round the country. This was so much fun for my parents- catching up with people they haven’t seen for so long. However, looking back, I realise that the trip taught me that there are certain needs that it’s important for me to prioritise IF POSSIBLE. This time, I wasn’t prepared, and it was more important to me for my parents to be having a well-deserved pampered time, so I did everything in my power to facilitate that. However, if I had been better prepared, and negotiated more intelligently, I might have been able to look after my own needs without disrupting others’ plans too much either. For instance, sometimes food was a bit of a problem when staying with others- my parents and their friends, for example, are obviously much older and less physically active than me, and need much less food- I found this hard, when they were waiting longer than i wanted to to eat, or skipping a meal. Next time, I’ll know how crucial it is to my serenity and stability to have regular access to sufficient amounts and sufficiently nourishing food. It’s also very important for me to have regular time alone, and take some time-outs from constant socialising and company as necessary to meditate and centre myself and stay grounded in a sense of peace, trust, and connectedness. We were so busy that I didn’t do this when i was away, and found myself paying for it when I arrived home after the trip, when my thoughts have been scattered and eating/ other behaviours chaotic and painful. Also, there were a few days that I wasn’t able to stretch or exercise orr get as much fresh air as I would have liked- I’m not talking about compulsively working out, as I don’t do that any more anyway, but I do walk a lot and find it soothes my body, mind and soul. Given others’ itineraries for us, it wasn’t always possible for me to get as many walks as I’m used to, and I missed that. And finally, I totally underestimated the amount of sleep I would require to recover from the flights there and home, which were about 7 hours each way. I expected myself to be physically on form almost immediately afterwards and return to work and 100% functioning straight away upon my return, and when I found myself struggling through this I berated myself and relapsed into some negative behaviour around food and thinking about body image.
So a huge learning experience for me! I know I’ve sounded as if there were a lot of problems, but in fact these manifested themselves only when I arrived home- the trip itself, and particularly the closeness and love I experienced with my parents, was almost magical and very healing for all of us, and is a memory I am so incredibly glad that we have.
And the challenge for me now? How to get back on track with my recovery. I’m still struggling with the negativity and the negative behaviours around eating and my body. I’ll be honest and say I’m finding it really hard. Any hints about how to stop binging and get out of relapses?
Again, sincerest thanks for your good wishes- your positiv focus has really helped me and it means so much to be able to access the supportive community you’re creating here.
Love,
Maya
Comment by maya — May 22, 2006 @ 11:46 am
Maya, Congratulations — what a beautiful trip you had! When you wrote your vision of the trip, you were tapping into your true essence. It’s kind of like that quote — if you can conceive and believe, you can achieve. When you wrote the vision, you were going to your heart and finding out what your ideal state would be…and it worked!
And you learned a lot about what you’d do differently next time — bravo! So, now for being back at home. What would it be like if you wrote your vision for your ideal life? It’s the same thing — it also works! See what happens if you do this — remember, if someone waved a magic wand, if money were no object, if approval were no object — what would your life be like? How would you feel? That’s the key question — how would you feel? That way, you don’t have to have all the answers….
This is what we’ll be covering in my free coaching group, but anyone can do this! Write your statement, read it often — and here are the keys — TRUST it — and if you aren’t sure if you completely trust it, be OPEN to trusting it. Start with being open to trusting and the trust will come. With each day, get up and read your vision — treat each day like you are starting fresh, with no attachment to what happened yesterday or what happens in the future.
If you sink into the feeling of your vision each day, you’ll see the same great results! And you may find, like I did, that even 1 day, 1 hour, 1 minute of feeling that wonderful feeling is worth all of our efforts for recovery!
Thank you for sharing your wonderful trip — it sounds amazing and I bet it meant a lot to your parents and their friends. It’s incredible how much you learned about yourself as well! Isn’t it amazing how you get what you need, like that wonderful quote at the church — just when you need it?
With love,
Heather
Comment by Heather — May 22, 2006 @ 9:46 pm