April involved a lot of travel, which kept me from writing as much as I’d like. The good news is that I have learned a lot on these trips and I’d like to share them with you over the next week. As I write this, looking back on this past month of travel, I am grateful for my focus on self-care as a way to stay in balance. In the past, a month like this would have left me stressed out, tired and drained. It could have been a recipe for relapse, but it wasn’t. In fact, paying attention to self-care allowed me to make different choices than I would have in the past – so that I could get enough sleep, eat healthy meals, drink plenty of water, meditate and exercise. At each juncture, I made decisions based on what would allow me to feel most balanced – throwing out the “shoulds” that I once would have forced myself to do – and choosing a course of action that would lead to peace of mind.

And of course, life does not always work out perfectly, even with the best-laid plans – but the idea is that the scales are tipped toward balance. Being closer to balance, it is easier to make better choices, choices that align with taking care of myself. So now for the first lesson…visiting parents!

Visiting My Parents
I went home to visit my parents a couple of weeks ago and had some new discoveries. In fact, my visit reminded me of a quote – although I forget who said it. It goes something like this: If you want to know how enlightened you are, visit your family. Well isn’t that the truth? :) If you know who said this, let me know!

Overall, I love my parents and feel like I had a pretty good childhood. On the surface, we looked like the perfect, happy family. Behind the scenes, there were many things going on that are classic contributors to addiction. For awhile in college, I felt angry at my parents and then I came to a realization. They were doing the best they could with what they knew. My parents, like many others in their generation, had me when they were young – I can’t imagine trying to bring up kids in my early twenties! If I look behind their actions and behaviors – to their intentions – they were doing the best they could.

Also, I truly believe that the experiences we have in life are there to serve us – in becoming our true essence. Even if these experiences may seem tragic, unfair, scary or otherwise negative, they serve to challenge us to look deep within. The very nature of the pain we feel can serve to awaken us from an “unconscious state” or autopilot – to who we truly are. When pain becomes unbearable, we must choose something different. It seems we’ve all heard countless stories of people going from rock bottom to great happiness from overcoming life’s challenges. With that said, I believe that out of some divine contract, I picked my parents to live out a life challenge that would allow me to discover my true essence, the joy inside of me.

Navigating the Family Dynamic Around Food
Now remember that quote from earlier – even though it seems like I have a good attitude about my parents, I am still challenged by the family dynamic! As soon as I arrived at my parents’ home, the family dynamic kicked in. Over the first couple of days, I was conscious of a feeling of discomfort, a bit like there was a child-like tantrum ready to brew – just under the surface of my calm. What was going on, really?
It came to me when walking with my husband. I was finally seeing what was just below the surface of my family dynamic and some of the contributors to disordered eating. First of all, my mother was and still is, a binge eater. The behavior is there, but the recognition of it is not. How this played out growing up is equating food with excitement. In fact, she was quite good at evoking excitement around food. I can remember how her eyes would light up as she smiled and said, “Want to go to Friendly’s for an ice cream sundae?” or “Let’s have your father go pick up Cadbury eggs!” or some other such adventure. I really don’t remember her expressing so much excitement around anything other than food. It was infectious as a child and I am certain that this is part of the reason I equated food with happiness and excitement.

As I talked all of this out with my husband, I also noted other characteristics around food in my family home. My father also has a binge eating style, although as an athlete, he never had any issues resulting from eating too much. It did mean that my whole family had a strange relationship with food. A lot of what we did revolved around food and there was a lot of periods of “no sugar” or vegetarianism or some other fad entering the household – resulting in on-and-off-the-wagon behavior. It’s not too difficult to imagine that I sensed a lack of control around food, along with food being tied to emotions and needs.

Becoming The Observer
Once I realized this, there was a tremendous shift. It’s not like I didn’t know this on some level before – it’s just that I realized it didn’t have to be ME. Their behavior didn’t have to be my legacy. I became an observer of their behavior, rather than identified by it. It did not have the power to take me over – to become me. In the past, I would look at my sister, my mother, my father, my grandparents – and think that they were the template for who I would become. Some of what I saw was good and some of it scared me. Some of it even disgusted me. And on some level, I had decided that I was destined to move in the same direction – as if I had no control over the course of my life.

This shift was a realization that I was free of that thought – it was just a thought. While I may have certain genetic predispositions, I was still my own person with my own ability to choose my actions and beliefs. Seeing their behaviors as just that – behaviors – allowed me a feeling of freedom. Their behaviors no longer held me in fear. Now I could be at home, surrounded by those behaviors, and just observe them – knowing they were based on beliefs my parents held to be true. While I could choose my own beliefs, express my own behaviors.

Letting Go Of Fear
In letting go of fear – fear that I would end up with those behaviors – I was able to break free of their power over me. The rest of the weekend became easy because I felt strong and grounded in myself. Whenever the behaviors were present, I would go into my inner body and feel it, feel a sense of being deeply grounded. It felt like being full, interestingly enough. Not full from eating a healthy meal, but full in a spiritual sense. Full of peace, full of joy, full of self-love. These are the ingredients for breaking free of fear.

Overall, focusing on self-love can bring a feeling of being grounded in your life. Everything you do to care for yourself is “nourishment.” Our minds, bodies and souls need nourishment on many levels, not just food. It might be a beautiful walk in nature, a fun conversation with a friend or loved one, a nap, meditation, soothing music, beautiful scents, a bath, affirmations, a massage – anything that makes you feel truly good. Once you begin using these self-care routines, you may just find that you have a deeply grounded sense of self-love. This self-love, along with awareness, will keep you centered in almost any situation. It creates the kind of mind-body-spirit harmony that is an antidote to fear.

Your Actions

  • If you start to feel a sense of anxiety or unease, take a step back.
  • Observe the situation, the behaviors of those around you.
  • What underlying thoughts or beliefs are there?
  • What fears are you experiencing? Are they you?
  • What do you choose for your life?
  • How can you express commitment to those choices and let the fear go?
  • As you breathe in, see joy and peace enter your body and as you breathe out, see fear and limitations leave your body, transforming into light & love.
  • While you do this, focus on your inner body and feel self-love nourishing you.
  • Trust this sense of self-love to carry you through any challenge.
  • Write what you learned in your journal. How can this help you for next time?

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