I was listening to Debbie Ford on Hay House Radio the other day. The topic was, Giving Up Grudges (you can listen to it in the archives) and Debbie talked about the costs of holding on to unresolved anger and deep-seated resentments.
I always enjoy listening to Hay House Radio because the programming is so uplifting! Anytime I’m feeling tired, down or lacking in motivation – and I don’t feel like reading a book, I just tune into Hay House Radio for some inspiration.
I have always liked Debbie Ford and this program was very enlightening for me. She was encouraging us to find out what our grudges were about. She suggested that if there were things that were not going the way we wanted in our lives, we might have a buried grudge somewhere in our past. Hmmm, that really made me think.
My Grudge Led to Relapse
I remember that in the year before I left my job, I was working on a big acquisition of a company, plus one of the biggest sales in our history. The owner of the company we were acquiring was a difficult personality and created a lot of stress and conflict for my team and me. For the first time in a long, long time, I really HATED this man. I felt actual hate and I could not shake it. This was also the time that I had a relapse. Interesting, huh?
What I did at that time, was turn the hate back onto myself — it cost me a lot to hold onto that grudge. I beat myself up and I felt so not in control of the situation. At the time, I was working with a business coach – and she asked me – what lesson is he bringing into your life? That question really opened my eyes because I realized that the situation with the company owner reminded me of some family dynamics growing up. This man was unpredictable and created problems – my team and I constantly had to overcompensate for him in the sales process, causing long hours and lost sleep. I was right back to that feeling of being out of control of my situation and living with unpredictability as a child.
Starting To Let Go
Realizing this connection freed me from the stress of the acquisition & dealing with this man. I felt lighter just from the recognition and I was able to see the silver lining of the situation – which was that it prompted me to leave my corporate job that I was ready to give up anyway. It allowed me to move on to my dream work and life more quickly – probably 5 years earlier than I had planned. I was also able to forgive my family members for some of the unpredictability that caused me so much tension and fear as a child.
Finally Letting Go
But grudges are funny in that they can sneak up at odd times and remind you that you haven’t truly let them go! This happened to me recently when I thought of that man and felt negative about him. Where did that come from? I am so much happier in my new life and work, so why would I still hold anger toward him? This was when I reminded myself that he was the catalyst for allowing me to meet my dreams now. However, I think this was my mistake: I didn’t allow myself to really ACCEPT that it was okay for me to be angry at him. I thought being angry at him was “not right” and after all, didn’t I get what I wanted in the end?
In fact, it doesn’t matter if everything works out in the end, what he did was still wrong. And it is okay for me to feel that it was wrong – and it’s okay for me to feel angry. So I had myself a little anger celebration & really let it go! It was wonderful!
Hidden Grudges – Are You Beating Yourself Up?
Debbie actually did this with a caller on the show. The woman said she always beat herself up, always felt less than. Underneath was a resentment she was carrying. Debbie suggested she write an angry letter telling the man she resented why she was angry – pouring all her anger into the letter. Then, rather than sending the letter, Debbie told her to do a ritual where she ripped it up, burned it or whatever she needed to in order to release those feelings – to let them go. In this way, the woman could really wallow in her anger – really accept it, really express herself – and then release.
Your Actions
How would it feel to do this in your own life? What’s happening in your life that you are upset about? If you are beating yourself up, you probably have a grudge buried deeply down inside. Is there a deep-seated resentment or anger underneath? Really dig deep, go back as far as you can to find out.
If you do find someone you are holding a grudge against, Debbie recommends a few questions to ask yourself:
- If you have a grudge, find out what it’s about. When did it start? Who is it about?
- What does it cost you, to hold the grudge?
- Is it possible to love someone, even if you don’t get along?
- Can you love someone who betrayed you?
- Do you have any control over what someone else does?
- What can you do to let go of your grudges so you can get on with your life?
Some additional tips from Debbie:
- Realize that sometimes, humans are mean to each other.
- You are allowed to say: That’s not okay, what you did to me! Even if you only write it in an unsent letter or acknowledge it to yourself.
- You have to be able to let it go and acknowledge it.
- We all know how to beat ourselves up – or even project our own darkness (negativity, anger) upon others – but we have to dedicate our lives to something bigger than that.
- It’s okay to be honest, vulnerable and wrong.
More From Hay House
- Wyatt Webb did a program on Overcoming Fear & Self Doubt In Recovery – it’s in the archived shows, if you are interested in listening.
- And as a final note, from Dawn Breslin of Zestful Living: Every day, ask yourself,
“How can I love myself even more tomorrow?”
That’s a question we might all benefit from!
by karen
17 May 2006 at 16:16
Heather I used to beat myself up all the time I was alwasys wrong always made the wrong choice. I have read a book by Debbie Ford Chasing the Shadow or something like that A friend toldme about it
My friend is very intuitive She’s always going on these retreats allover and goes to Deepok Chopras place in San Deigo and she has beena great person to know You would like her. I have never heard of Hay House Radio before What is it Can you get it one the west coast?
I have been doing some research on Rhonda Lenair and the Maya Massage and the Westin A Price found. These are areas I want to pursue this summwr I also want to get in touch with Emily I cant beleive she lives so close
I have someone in my life who creates a lot of pain and negative energy. I will probably write about her in my blog The one thing I never could understand is why we spend time talking about those we dont want in our lives I think it might be for validation I always used to seek validation for everything I am not so bad now
Thanks for opening my mind to so much good energy
with love,
KAren
by Emily
17 May 2006 at 16:20
Heather, the issue of ‘beating yourself up’ really resonated with me, and, again, came just at the appropriate time! (I LOVE the synchronicity!) I had just been thinking about how some people are unhappy because they aren’t getting what they want in life, people aren’t doing what they expect them to do, etc., and life is unfair and not worth living. I found myself thinking about the nature of my OWN suffering. I realized that, as far as I am concerned, there are PLENTY of things in life that make it worth living! My life is FULL of wonderful people and experiences! Then, how come I am still suffering? Because I constantly feel I should be doing more, should be better at this or that, am not good enough, not dedicated enough, not motivated enough… I am never enough. Why is that? What if I just accepted that I am the way I am? I can choose to better myself, but, unless I’m actually going to take action and do something specific, there is no point in feeling depressed and guilty about NOT doing it!
Your post really got me thinking. I know I hold old grudges that I haven’t quite been able to let go of. Maybe this is the time to re-examine them and see what steps I could take towards releasing them.
By the way, my friend Erik, whose website has the salmon recipe, is originally from Florida, and has taught cooking classes there in the past when going back to visit his family. Never know, maybe he’ll teach one when you happen to be in Florida anyways, and you could attend… He’s full of great information on nutrition, and his recipes are fun and delicious!
love,
Emily
by karen
17 May 2006 at 16:21
I just found Hay House Radio on my computer.
Thank you for everything I am going to listen to sevral broadcasts
Love,
KAren
by Heather
17 May 2006 at 17:01
Hi Karen, Where did we learn this way of beating ourselves up? In some instances, I think it’s a female thing — we learn to blame ourselves or feel powerless. It’s probably why women tend to get depressed, ED and IBS more than men — internalizing our fears, anger and negative emotions. Men tend to act it out — and it’s okay for them to rage, yell, be viloent, etc. Not really okay, but more accepted in society.
As society changes, it will be interesting to see what happens. It’s becoming less acceptable for men to act out in anger — people are calling them on it. And the number of men with eating disorders are growing. I’m not trying to draw a direct correlation, just making an observation that we pick up on thoughts and beliefs as children — based on the approval we get from parents or what we see others doing.
Somehow, we bought into these beliefs. I am so glad that you have realized that you used to go outside yourself for validation and are doing that less now! I’ve had the same realization in my life. I used to be so afraid of what I wanted and needed that validation. Now, I’m starting to feel really good about my own inner validation. It’s never to late to learn these things is it?
With love,
Heather
by Heather
17 May 2006 at 17:07
Emily, I love your insight on this — and remembering that we could spend as much time finding the WRONG things in our lives as the RIGHT things in our lives — it’s all up to us! Bravo to you for choosing to see what’s wonderful! And for re-examining your grudges. I’m going to join you in that and become very aware of my grudges, using my thoughts and emotions as a barometer. A fun experiment to see what else I can release!
Thanks for the info on Erik, I’m going to look for him and see if I can get into one of those classes. Yumm! Every now and then, I could use a kick-start to my cooking. I tend to cook really simple meals, using no recipes and that take very litte time and effort (in the scheme of all fresh foods anyway — not as simple as opening a box!!). Then I get into my routine and forget that there are a million other simple, yet delicious recipes (like the salmon one you pointed out!) that I could experiment with!
With love,
Heather